the PRSF period

So I decided to spend New Year's eve in Pasto. I'll travel this weekend, and I'll stay with Maye and her Family. I thought spending this particular holiday without them would be good for my parents an I, because at least there would be no "golden" comments during the dinner like "I hope next year you think about your attitude" or "I just want you to know that I spent this year too stressed out about you". I mean, comments that if anyone else heard, they would inmediately think I spent months in jail, or drug rehab.
And since It'll be the first time I'll spend New Year's Eve without my parents, I asked them to go out and have dinner tonight. Although they didn't seem too convinced, they finally agreed and went to a restaurant a few blocks away. Well, tonight I discovered that If anyone in this house is an adict, it's them. They're addicted to drama!!! they just can't live without it. I mean, I sat down at the table thinking "well, maybe this dinner won't turn out as the many holiday dinners do". Well, I was wrong. We hadn't ordered our drinks yet, when the drama began. These were some topics my father adressed during a very long dinner (my mother just sat next to him and said "yes, I agree", as she always does):

How I never help them do anything.
How I never talk to them.
How other people's sons DO help their parents doing things, and talk to them, and how they already know what they want to do with their lifes.
How I'm wasting time travelling and going to parties while I should be thinking about my career.
How they had to face so much things by the time they had my age, and yet I think I've suffered.
ETC.

And since I've heard the same speach for years, I developed a skill for paying no attention to what they say, and still shaking my head and nodding my head when I'm supposed to. So while they said those wonderful comments, I just thought "God, If I change my major, Ill take at least another two years to leave my parent's house. I think I'll have gone crazy by then". I think by this time I resigned to the hopes of having a normal relationship with them...Whatever. By saturday I'll be gone, so they'll have to find someone to complain at. And to celebrate that, when I finish posting this, I'll officially start my PRSF period (Parents-Related Stress-Free period), which ends the 7th of january, when I come back to Bogota. I'll use that time to have fun, to stop worrying, and finally have some peace (God knows next year I'll be missing that peace a lot).

And since I'll be gone for some time, I just want to wish to the two or three people who visit my blog (and everyone in general) a happy new year, and I hope it'll bring a lot of happiness and joy to your lifes. That's it for 2006, see you again on 2007.

the PRSF period has officially started.

Christmas

I don't know how does it work in other countries, but in Colombia, praying the Christmas Novena is a huge tradition here. For those of you who don't know what it is, is just a prayer made for nine consecutive days until christmas eve. It's usually a very festive celebration, where friends and family gather and eat pastries, talking, planning holiday trips (and also, there's some praying in between). This year's novenas were really fun. Each day's novena was hosted by a friend, so I had the chance to catch up with people I hadn't seen since before finals,gossiping, meeting new people...It was good because I think at the end of the semester we were all so stressed out about finals we just wanted to kill each other. But there we were, friends again.

It's a shame novenas at home have become so boring. When I was a child, I was usually the happiest one at home...we sang christmas carols, and there was always someone over, it was fun. These are some of the classis moments I remember the most:
- The massive amounts of food we ate
- My uncle, who gots drunk before we even start praying
- How everyone tried to keep up my dad's rithm when we sing carols (when dad was a child, he studied in a Catholic Boarding school, so I guess he learnt to sing at the children's chorus, and that's why he can reach those high notes that nobody else can)
- The way my mother always forgot the lyrics of the carols, so she always made up her own, and we all ended up laughing (with her, not at her)

But now it's just my parents, grandma and I, praying like we were at some relative's funeral. I don't know when was it that the relationship with my parents became so weird...I wish things were different, but at the same time it's like none of us really wants to do anything about it.
Christmas eve was better, because my brother came over. He's the fun one in the family, he's always making awkward jokes, and things change a lot when he comes. Plus, his wife is really funny too, my brother an her are always teasing each other, so when me all get together we have a really good time.

I'll probably spend New Year's eve with some friends...We've been trying to travel, taking into account that several of the main colombian cities are hosting carnivals these days...If everything turns out as planned, It'll be the first time I'll spend New Year's eve without my parents...maybe being appart will make the time we spend together more valuable. Or at least we won't make ach others holidays' miserable.

The 20th birthday wish list

So after a lot of thinking, I realized these are the things I'd like to do before my 20th birthday. Some of them are really childlish (which is weird since the whole idea of the list is that it'll be a symbol of my adulthood), but I just thought I've been too stressed out about things, and realized maybe I haven't enjoyed some things in life. So here's the list, Hopefully I'll get some opinions about it:

1. Getting a driver's license (See prev. Post)
   
2. Organizing (getting rid of) the piles of exams, homeworks, notebooks, etc. that I've accumulated all around the house since I was in high school.
3. Going Backpacking. Since I was very young, my friends from high school and I have planned on going backpacking trough latinamerica, or Maybe the US. But we've never really done anything about it, just because we've been too lazy. Chances I'll do it next summer are really small, because I'll probably have to take summer classes if I want to graduate in 2008, so I'll extend the deadline for this point of the list until december of 2007.
4. Running the Half-Marathon of Bogota: when I was younger, I used to practice tennis and swimming. But as I grew older, I also became too lazy to wake up for sports practice, so I eventually dropped it. But because of my lack of physical activity and my terrible mood, every time I'm under a lot of stress (during finals, for example), the muscles in my back and neck collapse, and I start feeling like I slept over a pile of rocks. So I decided I'm going to start doing exercise again. I think joining a gym is the best option, since there are a lot of different exercises you can do, and people who can tell you what exercises are better for you. And the best way of showing my improved physical condition will be running the Half-Marathon, which takes place in July. I know if I had to run tomorrow, I'd pass out at some point of the first 5 miles. But hopefully that'll change in the next seven months.
5. Going to NYC: I'm in love with New York, but I've never been there. The hole idea of a city that has such a rich cultural diversity makes me very excited. I know it sounds very stereotypical, being the latin guy who thinks NYC represents the oportunity of fulfilling his dreams, etc. NYC means to me the ideal life i'd love to live: a city that doens't sleep, a vibrant place where you have a lot of options in food, entertainment, culture, a place that gathers a lot of influences from different parts of the world, and that idea just makes me crazy. It all depends of what happens at college next semester...(I also want to go backpacking, so there are a lot of things I want to do next summer, but won't happen if I have to stay if I have to take summer classes).

When I started writing this post, I thought there would be a lot of things on this list. But I realized that it's not so much about what I want to do before I'm 20, It's the person I want to be before I'm 20. I want to stop being so lazy, and start doing things on my own. I want to stop being afraid, and finally start living. I feel like there's an entire wolrd of experiences and emotions waiting for me to discover them, But I have chosen to keep my Life on Hold while I try to figure thing out. And I don't want that anymore (hahaha I'm finally becoming an adult!!!!)

Driving Lessons

In less than 9 months I'll be 20 years Old. Not only I look a lot younger (thanks to my parents' genetics, I have the height and the face of a teenager) , but I feel a lot younger. It's like three years of college haven't had that much of an impact on me. But I've decided that I still have time to change that, before my birthday. You know how a lot of people make a list of things they would've liked to do before they reached certain age? Well, I'm writing mine with the things I'd like to accomplish before my 20th birthday. It's not ready yet (It'll be my next post), but one of the points of the list is taking driving lessons. For different reasons, I've always avoided them. Personally, I think I'll be the worst driver ever, for several reasons: First, the only driving experience I have so far comes from playing Mario Kart, where crushing other people's cars was an OK practice, and the breaks weren't really useful. And second, I'm the clumsiest guy ever. When I was in the US, I became famous between my co-workers because of the amusing stories of work accidents I had there.
But I put it in the list because I've always considered driving is a display of maturity. You see, driving in Bogota is a serious deal. You have to be aware of the crazy bus driver trying to pick up a passenger even if it means crashing your car, or watch for the numerous bumps on the streets so you don't lose a tire in the middle of the road, or trying not to run over the people crossing the street where they shouldn't, all at the same time. And for me, if you can succesfully handle all those obstacles, you're officialy a responsable grown up.
I've already made the appointment at the driving academy, and I'll start the lessons in january. Until then, I'll be preparing myself for it (well, if you can call preparing just having a lot of nightmares of car accidents involving me as the main character).

The First Time

It was sunday afternoon, and I was bored to death. I had been without internet service since thursday, so I felt like I was completely disnonnected from the outside world (God, am I shallow...). So I started calling everyone in my cell phone contact list, and only Maye was the only one who hadn't travelled for the weekend or didn't have a huge hung over from saturday night (I had dinner with my family, so there was no partying por me on saturday). I picked her up, and decided we wanted to watch a movie at a mall at Zona Rosa, one of the biggest bar and shopping districts in Bogota, just a few blocks away from Maye's home. So on our way there, we started talking about what happened in 2006.

Before I continue, I just want to say that I have always felt really guilty with Maye, because we are really close friends, and she always tell me everything that happens in her life. But I'm more closed about my feelings, so she really doesn't know too much of what happens in my life, because I just don't like talking about my thing, even with close friends (clearly, being gay is one of those things)

But since I discovered "the blog circuit", I've realized it's ok to talk about things, it's ok to share your problems with other people. I mean, that's one of the reasons I started the blog in the first place, so I can realease all the pressure feeling can cause when they're trapped inside my head.

And as Maye told me how bad she felt about certain things that happened to her in recent months, I decided I'd tell her everything that night. When we arrived at the mall, we found out we'd have to wait an hour an a half to watch the only decent movie they were playing. So instead, we decided just to have some coffee and then go home. At the coffee place, I was no longer paying attention to her. The only thing I could think of was How was I going to tell her. This is a description of what was happened:

Maye: Oh, I did so bad this semester! It's just I had so much things going on in my life, I just didn't know how to handle them...(she kept talking)
My Head: Ok, so how do I tell her? I could start with the classic "I have something to tell you"... or should I just say it like it's no big deal, like "Yeah, too bad...by the way, I'm gay"...what do I do? Hey...pay attention to her! you're not the only one with problems, you know?
Me: Oh, really? well, I'm sure next year will be better...
Maye: I hope so, because...(she kept talking)
My head: C'mon, are you going to tell her, or not? I mean, it doens't HAVE to be today, you know? why don't you wait for a couple of days, and prepare your "speach", or whatever you have in mind?
Maye: ...and tell me, how was this semester for you?
Me: Well, you know, it was...ok. I mean, I have thought about a lot of things this semester...about my career, my life...I think travelling to the US helped me to see things from another point of view.
Maye: Like what things?
My head: yeah, let's wait. You'll have many oportunities to tell her...It doesn't have to be now. It's better that way. Yeah.
Me: Well, for example, I realized I'm gay.
My head: what??????
Maye: yeah, that happens...are you serious?
Me: uhmm well, yes.
Maye: Well, it's better you realized that now, instead of one day being married and miserable about it...
Me: yeah, I know...

Anyway, what surprised me the most was her "underreaction"...she was too cool about it...I think I expected a little bit more of surprise on her, but it's fine...I've outed to someone for the first time.

Flirting 101

Trough college, I've met a lot of hot guys. The problem is that even if my gaydar, and in general, common sense told me they were possibly gay, I never made a move...which was probably the best, taking into account I plan to be in the closet for a while.
One of those guys is Luis. He's 21, tanned, an kind of athletic. We took Phisics together, and since we didn't do well on that area, we always tried to help each other understanding what the teacher said (and always failed), although we didn't really became friends or anything. My gaydar always told me he ws problably gay...not that he was too obvious or anything, but there were just a lot of small things here and there...anyway, I never really paid too much atention to it, and I just thought he was a nice guy and that was it.

But one day, I was checking a friend's myspace, and since I had nothing else to do, I started browsing through the gay profiles. I didn't want to meet anyone, I just wanted to see if my gaydar worked and one of the guys in the "College's hot list" was between one of the profiles. At first i didn't recognized anyone, but I was looking at a profile, and It turned out Luis was listed as one of the guy's friends. I checked Luis' profile, and that guy had written a message like "I remember the first time we met..." I just started laughing, because I realized several things:
1. My gaydar works
2. A guy I liked (not too much, but...) was finally "available". This was the first time that I could actually hit on a guy, safely (I wasn't going to get punched or anything). There was the possibility of getting something.

After that, I realized I'm the clumsiest guy ever.Instead of and bringing out the subject in a very casual way, I just sat next to him, withouth saying a word, like a nervious 13 year-old girl. I mean I've flirted with girls a lot, I still do it, and I have no problem at it...but the idea of flirting with a guy just sounded SO cheesy...(so cheesy, I actually had to try really hard not to laugh in the middle of the classroom, just because of the awkwardness of the situation).

One of the things that makes getting out of the closet so boring is that it'll be like high school again, but with guys...I mean, what do you do, you call the day after the date? Does one of us have to open the door? Who pays for dinner? I'm so clumsy that at this point I don't know if I'm staying in the closet because I'm afraid of people's reaction, or just to avoid a lot of embarrassment...

Waking Up

So, the year is over... This semester was terrible. After I arrived form the U.S., I had to catch up with so many things I barely had a social life this semester. An my final grades were kinda lame...I had 6 final exams this semester, the most I have ever had (and they kept me busy the past two weeks, non-stop). By last week's Tuesday, I still had two finals left, but I was so exhausted that as soon as I opened a book, I inmediately felt asleep. I had my last final on saturday (at 7am), and right before the teacher started giving us the exams, I realized I had forgotten everything I had learnt in the past 5 months. I felt so relieved when it was over...after the exam, it was all fun that weekend. I went downtwn shopping at the flee markets (If you ever travel to Colombia, you have to visit them, we have some amazing handcrafts here), went to the movies and watched The Prestige (Hugh Jackman's chest should be illegal-great movie, by the way), got drunk with some friends from high school, so many things I hadn't done because of University stuff. I realized that I've a little bit more than a month before I get back to classes, and have some real fun. It's only fair, after all the hard work I did this semester.

My iPod is playing: and all-time favorite: One More Time, Daft Punk.

The Haunted Weekend

It all started on friday afternoon. After our last class finished, I told some friends to go to the Juan Valdez Cafe in downtown. The cafe is located in La Candelaria, the historical neighborhood in Bogota, and is surrounded by universities, museums and libraries. It was 4pm, and the streets were really crowded with all the people leaving their colleges, most of them going in he opposite way. I was talking to one of my friends, when I looked at a small group of people walking towards us. When I looked at their faces, I inmediately recognized Eddie among them.

Eddie is 30 yrs old, and I met him on a chatroom about a year ago. I used to like chatrooms not because I wanted tohook up with guys, but because I liked talking to guys, finding out what turns them on, etc. And one day, I met him. He's really good looking, interesting and fun, but he's specially HORNY (The very first time we chatted he gave me a full display of his masturbatory skills through the webcam). We kept in touch through e-mails, and everytime we chatted through messenger, he put himself in front of the webcam. I think he's really hot, but for some reason I'd never wanted to meet him in person. Although I've seen his body and his face a lot of times, everytime we chat, or everytime I see his dick on the webcam I feel like I'm watching a stranger, and I like that kind of mistery. He has had several relationships since we met, but he kept asking me to get together, and I kept telling him I didn't want to ruin that feeling.

I spotted him first. A lot of thoughts went through my mind:

1. He's going to talk to me.
2. He's going to talk to me, in front of my friends.
3. My friends are going to notice what kind of friend he is.
4. The end of the world.
5. He's hotter than what the webcam makes him look like.

We were like a half a block away from each other when our eyes crossed. I think I looked like I was seeing a ghost, or something. He knows I haven't outed to anyone, and I know he probably wouldn't have done anything that could have exposed me in front of my friends. But then the adrenaline took control of my brain. Right when his group of friends was in front of mine, I almost pushed my friends off the sidewalk, and went across the street. Luckily for us, there weren't any cars on the street at that time, because I made them jump to the street so suddenly they wouldn't have had time to tell the color of the car running over them. They all looked at me with a strange look on their face, and I just told them I wanted to go first to a pizza place on that side of the street. I didn't look back to see Eddie's reaction, I just kept walking. I felt awful about it the rest of the day. I wanted to call Eddie and apologize as soon as I got home. But right when we were drinking our last drop of espresso, a friend called us and told us to go to bi place, and then out for a couple of beers, so I arrived home at 3am on saturday.

I was really busy on saturday, and I called him at 4pm, but he wasn't home. I didn't call him back, I mean...not that we're a couple, or anything. I sent him an e-mail telling him what happened. He'll understand. But what happened on friday, almost having my friends and I getting hit by a car just to run away from a guy I met on a gay chatroom, has been floating over my head...I'll have to get out of the closet soon, I don't think I can live scared for too much longer...

The weather and I

You guys have no idea how terrible the weather in Bogota can be. I remember one time I was trying on this really thick jacket at Abercrombie and Fitch, and the entire staff asked me the same question: Do you need a jacket like that in Colombia? You see, Bogota is in the middle of the mountains. It doesn't snow here, but in exchange, is rains a lot. And by a lot, I mean sometimes it rains so much that when you are inside a car, you almost feel it's going to start floating any minute.


It was really cold on Monday, and I was only wearing a t-shirt and a sweater. While we were in Maths, there was one moment when my friends and I actually had to sit so close to each other it looked like a group hug. So on Tuesday, I put on the Abercrombie jacket. My fist class was at 7am, so it was still cold, because it was still early. By 9am, it was so sunny I just wanted to kill myself. I had to carry the jacket under my arm for the entire day, since it's too big to fit inside my locker, and too heavy to keep it inside my backpack.
And today it was really sunny, which was good, since I was only wearing a very light jacket. The problem was that I had to stay at the University more that I thought I would, so I left the campus at 8:30. It was so cold outside, that after 5 minutes I felt I had lost sensitivity on my hands.

The thing is, I'm starting to feel sick. My throat is killing me. So right now I'm just going to self-medicate me and then go to bed hoping the weather won't be so bad at me, and I won't have the flu during next week's exams.

Songs of the Week:
Music Sounds Better with You, Stardust
Hey Jude, The Beatles
Confesiones de Invierno (Winter Confessions), Sui Generis

Maye's birthday

Maye and I have been really close since our last year at high school (what in the US is called senior year, I think). I first met her when I was hitting on her best friend, Francesca(who I met while I was hitting on one of her friends, and deserves an entire post of her own), and we eventually ended up being really good friends. She's the one I tell everything to: The good, the bad, the boring. We both travelled to the US last summer, but we never saw each other (She was working at Yellowstone, and I was a couple of states away). Since we arrived like two weeks after classes started, we have been really busy trying to catch up with the readings, and exams, and stuff. So we hadn't had time to speak since we arrived.

It all sounds worse with beer on your brain

But it was her birthday last weekend, so we went out with her sister and a couple of friends to celebrate. Epic amount of Erdinger beer were consumed at the pub. We were all talking, and making jokes. I spent most of the night feeling really uncomfortable , as her cousin took every chance he had to touch my legs under the table as we were all speaking to each other. Not that I dislike another man's atention, I just don't like such a public display of it, less when I've decided to stay in the closet for a few months. Plus, I don't like him at all, so it was easy for me acting uncomfortable. Eventually, he noticed my lack of interest, so he gave up and went back to his beer glass.

Maye and I finally got to talk as we had wanted to. I had no idea she got her self a boyfriend as soon as she arrived, and by the first month of the relationship, she had already moved in with him. And obviosly, she had sex wih him. For the first time. Ever.

Now, I felt really happy for her, since she did it with someone she loved, and everything. But you have no idea how jealous I got...I just wanted to travel to Yellowstone and see what the guy was like...I was really close to making an ex-boyfriend-kind of-scene. Not that I feel atracted to her, or anything. But I mean, it was like she had been my secret place, where I kept all my secrets. And suddenly, some loser had just moved in and left me homeless. I know it sounds ridiculous, but it's just what I felt at the time (of course, all the booze didn't make my mind much clearer). I guess I also feel bad about her not telling me about it until two months later. But as I said, we haven't had the time, and since I'm not a fan of long phone calls, it was hard for us to talk. That has to change, since I think She's the first person I'm going to tell I'm gay. Anytime soon.

My trip to the U.S.

This summer I traveled to the US a bunch of friends from college. We worked for almost three months at an amusement park. The initial reason for us to work there was to improve our english, plus we'd get to meet people from "all over the world" that were also working at the park. But it ended up being so much more than that.

The Ultimate "american" experience: Going to a baseball game

I realized I didn't really know my friends. During the summer, I was able to know sides of each one of them that I did'n know. For example my roomate at the park. We weren't really close friends when we arrived (actually, I thought he was really boring). But when you're away from your country and your family, you start opening to other people as if you were best friends. His mother died about nine months ago. It was really hard for him, becuase he had to be the strong one in the family, because his father and sisters were completely devastated. That's why he decided to travel with us to the US, because he wanted to get away from everything, and having some time to organizing his life. I also found out he's a die hard fan of Madonna, (he spent more than 500 dollars going to Chicago for her concert). The Madonna subject allowed us to talk about gay people. He's not gay or anything, but he has several friends who are. He has gone to several gay bars in Bogota, and he told me he really doesn't like how promiscuous and shallow most gay people are. He also told me he has a friend, who he's almost sure he's gay, since the guy is the one who has taken him to the gay bars, and everything, but he's not out, and asked me what he should do about it. Now, I don't know if he was telling me this because he thinks i'm gay, or if it's just my imagination. I just told him (in a very straight and detached way) that if he was gay, he'd probably come out when felt ready to do it. Later I realized I was not only talking about his friend, but also about me.

I guess this summer helped me to see thing from a different view. It's really helpful when you get away from everything, so you can have a detailed perspective of what surrounds you in your everyday life. I also felt in love with the US (although all the references people made to cocaine as soon as I mentioned "Colombia" really pissed me off), specially with Chicago...I lived there one of the most special moments of my entire life.

The First Post - A little bit about me

Right know, I should be catching up with all the things I have to do for the next week (and the week after that, etc). But right now I feel so tired and so stressed about everything that's going on in my life, that the only thing I want to do, is writing. I'm going to start talking about me.

I'm 19 years old, I'm from Colombia, I'm a closeted gay guy and I've been going to college for about three years. The thing is, since the very first day, I haven't felt absolutely certain about me studying to become an engineer. You see, there was a moment, on my last year of high school, when I could choose what to major in, and the two strongest choices were so different from each other, that there just wasn't an obvious choice. Those options were engineering and film making. In the end, I chose the first ones for two basic reasons: the first one, is that if it's already hard to succeed as a filmmaker in the US, it's almost impossible to do so in Colombia.

The second reason is actually really stupid, now that I think about it: you know that when you're growing up, every time you're in a family reunion (Xmas, New Year's eve, or every holiday you can think of) relatives always have a kind of pre-established dialogue: "Oh, I can't believe how tall are you know, you are almost taller than me", or "I bet must drive all the girls at school crazy with those eyes you have" , and of course, the usual question: "So, what do you want to be when you grow up?" Now, my family is an average colombian family: not too tall, catholic and very conservative. So if I had answered something like "actor" or "movie director" I would have caused some harsh reactions among my drunken relatives. So I got used to say "chief of a big company", just because it was something they could be proud of (and to be honest, something I could be proud of too, being powerful and bossy are things that I can definitely relate to). So when I got to choose a career, I stuck to my usual response, just because I felt that was what everybody, including myself, were expecting.

So I got in to college to study Industrial Engineering. Something relatively easy, as I heard to some people, so I should have had no problem on having good grades and everything. The problem is, those people never warned me (not that they had to, since it's a matter of common sense) I had to have at least a little bit of skills with numbers. And that's one thing I don't have ( 2+2=4 is an result that many times I take hours to understand). So basically, Ive' survived these three years hanging on to my analysis capability, more than to my hability of handling number operations. That's the reason why I started to think maybe, just maybe, I made a bad career choice.

Plus, the ghost of movies has always been floating over my head like a black cloud. The problem is I have never known how strong my passion for movies is. I know I'd watch Cinemax rather than studying for Statistics (which is what I should be doing right now), and I know that everytime I turn on my handicam I never want to stop recording, but are movies just a hobbie, or do I really want to put everything in risk for what might be my true calling? And even if I do want to do that for the rest of my life, Am I even talented?

Well, those are only some of the many important questions which I have been too afraid, too shy or even too lazy to answer (like the whole gay thing, which I'm sure will have many posts dedicated to it). Ok, that was a little bit about myself. Hope you enjoyed it.

Most listened songs this week:
Bad day, Daniel Powter
Mas que Nada, Sergio Mendes feat. Black Eyed Peas (I love Bossa Nova)
For the Widows in Paradise, For The Fatherless In Ypsilanti, Sufjan Stevens
Is It any wonder?, Keane
Viernes 3AM, Seru Giran