Sunday, May 17, 2009

Boy, it's been a long time.

Two weeks ago I received an email notification from Blogger, telling me someone had just commented in my blog. I realized I hadn't posted anything in more than a year. As I went through my old posts, it shocked me how much (some) things have changed over that period of time.

When I started this blog, I did it because I wanted to keep some sort of journal of my "coming out" process. I wanted to write about my insecurities, my doubts, hopes and fears I had about what back then was a completely unknown world for me. More than a year (and about a handful of guys) later, I can honestly say that I don't feel a lot more confident about that world than I did back then. However, I can say I do have a lot more experience with the males, and I have learned some valuable things that must be obvious for most people, but that a while ago, were completely unknown for moi:

1) Men can get older, but not necessarily wiser.
I've usually been attracted to men a lot older than me. I'd always felt like in most cases, they had overcome a lot of issues, like coming out, or being confident with their sexuality, both in bed, and in public, issues that most men my age (21-ish) are still dealing with (as I know I am). But if the two men over 35 (yes, I like my beef well done!!) I went out with in the past year are any indication, age really doesn't really make a difference. Yes, they know a lot of things in bed younger guys know, and yes, their voice sounds sexier on the phone, and no, they don't have to interrupt anything to answer his phone and say "don't worry, mom, I'll be home early". But commitment issues? Infidelity? Ego? One Night Stand-iness? they were all there, too. And now that I think about it, you can expect a 20 year old's issues to disappear over time, but a 39 year old's? Probably not. Who knows!! I've never stayed to watch.

2) 6 Degrees of Separation? Make that 2, at the most.
It is a sad moment when you first realize the guy you just met and found charming, cute, smart, and (hopefully) a wild animal in bed, has been involved with someone you were also involved with in the past. There are several mutations of that situation, often involving friends, enemies, and sometimes even relatives (happened to a friend... his Xmas family reunions were never the same). And in a city like mine, where the gay scene is smaller than in bigger american cities, the sense of indirectly having had sex with everyone in the bar is not very pleasant.

3) Move over, God. Gays are omniscient and omnipresent, too (which is kind of an extension from number 2).
What is the fucking deal with who I date, what I wear or where I hang out at? Whi is it a matter of public discussion? I have been surprised to be asked by the most random people, things like "hey, so you're dating X, did you know he used to date Y, and then dumped him for Z?" I mean, I love gossip as much as the next guy, and I am somewhat interested in fashion (yes, I have "cliche" written all over me), but it gets kind of sad and pathetic to watch people dedicate hours of their lives finding out the latest scoop on people they have never met, while they criticize their latest outfit! Now, in every environment, whether it is at college, at work, or even among your own friends, you're always going to find someone who won't stop getting in other people's business. But jeez, sometimes when I am at a gay bar, it gets really hard to listen to the music because of all the bitching!! I think I have a really big problem with 9 out of 10 gay men thinking they're so cool and see themselves as Virgin Mary's second child.

Anyway, those are just some things I can honestly say I have learned since my last post. I probably won't write again, and doubt anyone will read this, since I stopped doing the "gay blog circuit". Bad thing, though, because I've always thought the mere exercise of writing about your life makes you look at it from a different perspective... I could use some of that. BTW, here's the latest SSIMH (song stuck in my head):

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

A political Capsule

I don't usually comment on anything differen from sex, clothes and guys, but today I'll make an exception.
I don't know if you've heard (probably not...) but things have been pretty tense here in South America. Hugo Chavez, Venezuela's crazy president, is threatening of starting a war with Colombia. And I'm cared. Probability of war actually happening is very small, but not zero. I remember that when we were studying the World Wars at High School, they taught us how a chain of apparently small events, like someone becoming president, or someone being murdered was used as an excuse for taking military actions over another country. And what has happened in the last few days, isn't so far from that. Now, I'm not going to be over dramatic, and say this is actually going to be the beginning of WW III, but the risk of an armed conflict, at least in South America is there, and could be devastating for us.
What makes me angry is that in the last years, Colombia seemed to be recovering from decades of conflict caused by drug trade, which has killed hundreds, thousands of people (actually, my grandfather was killed during the beginning of war, 40 years ago). Recently, things have changed dramatically. Cities and some rural areas are safe from terrorism, and people who had been kidnapped for years are being released. What I'm afraid of is: are we going to lose all that because of Chavez's megalomania?

Sunday, March 02, 2008

Alcohol and Jealousy, dangerous combination.

Yesterday afternoon, Gay Sensei called me to go with him and his friends to the same gay bar we went last time. At first I didn't really want to go, but then Will and Cat called me and told me they some other people to the same place, so I kinda didn't have a choice but going.

I went over to Sensei's place, and we walked our way to the bar, where we'd meet his friends. I had already drunk some beers at a dinner party at my place, so I was already in a "happy" mood. We got there around 10:30, and went straight in to Lottus, the men-only section of the bar, which is why Cat and her friends had to stay in Teatrino, (which does let women in). I told Will I'd meet them later. We took advantage of the open bar, so it didn't take long before I started to feel even "happier".
After dancing a little, I went downstairs to meet Will. To my surprise, they were hanging out with some people I already knew (all of them straight): two girls from college (that I don't like very much) and a guy that works in my office. When I saw him, I felt really weird about my straight co-worker dancing next to me...but after I found out both Wilson and Cat were totally over the guy, I started to feel...jealous. Not about Will, but about Cat. The thing is, I've always had a little crush on her. She's a beautiful girl, after all (although too crazy for my own taste). So I talked to her about the guy, and after some resistance, she told me she had already had sex with him, but he had a girlfriend, etc... which only made me feel even more jealous. So after a while, I made up some excuse, and went upstairs to meet Sensei and his gang.

By the time I found them, both alcohol and the whole "Cat being fucked by my co-worker" thing had done a very strong effect on me. I felt dizzy, a little angry, and I just wanted some fun. I started dancing with them again, but suddenly it was just me and Sensei (who was very drunk too) on the dancefloor. We started to get close, and he told me how flirty I had been with everyone at the bar. As the conversation got more and more kinky, I pushed him against the wall, almost making out. But then, one of his friends found us and not-so-discretly pulled us away, and we all started to the dancefloor again.

There was a guy with us who had made eye contact with me the whole night. He was cute, although so far I hadn't paid too much attention to him. But then I turned on my "homme fatale" skills, and within 5 minutes, I danced, flirted, and made up with him against a wall (oh...I'm such a slut when I drink...). After a short make out session, I went back with the rest of the group. Sensei approached me, we talked about the guy I had just made out with, flirted, and made out. Intensely.

When Sensei's friends decided to go, the effect of alcohol-jealosy was mostly gone. Sensei wanted to stay for a while, but I knew what he wanted, and I knew I didn't. I told him I was really tired, and told him we should go home. We walked to his place, where I'd take a cab, as we always do. He was still very drunk. As we walked, he started to open about a lot of things. How he felt frustrated about being caring and trusting with others, about his ex, about his life. He told me things he admitted he had never told anyone.

At that moment, my parents called me on my cell phone to check were the hell I was. They're extremely overprotective and old fashoned, so they consider being out of the house at 3am an outrageous thing to do for a "well mannered, educated young man" like me. I told them I was already in the cab, and would be home in a while. 10 min Later, we got to Sensei's place, and I called a cab. When I looked back at him, he was laying in his bed, almost asleep, and told me to sit next to him. I did, he hugged me, and I layed down, "just while I wait for the cab", I said.

I was woken up by my cell phone. It was my father. I looked through the window, and the sun was out: It was 6:30am. I had fallen asleep next to Sensei. I called a cab, and left Sensei's place. I barely said goodbye to him, since I only wanted to get home quickly, so I didn't have to stand my parents being angry the whole week (They barely spoke to me today...whatever).

I don't know what to think about last night. As he told me all those things on our way to his place, I felt really sad. Lately, we have become really close. Not in the dating kind of way, though. I just love talking to him, because he has a very dark sense of humor, plus he's a really smart guy...I wished I felt attracted to him, but I'm not. And I don't think he is attracted to me either...I just think he was feeling a bit lonely last night, and it was just the alocohol talking. I feel weird about what happened. I don't want him to get the wrong idea (making out with him wasn't the best idea, I know). I guess I'll just talk to him, and act like it was no big deal...I hope he does that too.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

How to act straight after 6 bottles of Tequila

There was a party held by people from work. The organizers were a bunch of 20-somethings that at some point worked at the bank, and their parties are known for being a booze fest where only a few can say they didn't woke up the day after with a huge hangover (and lots of regrets). When I was invited, I was a little doubful about attending, for several reasons:
I get really..uhm..."festive" when I drink. And by festive, I mean loud, intense, and sometimes obnoxious. And since everybody there were going to be people I'd have to see next monday at the office, I didn't want to be vulnerable of doing something embarrassing.

I'm also very..."flirty" when I drink. And by flirty, I mean I look at people I feel attracted to like a lion watches its prey right before going after it. And, being in a room full of straight bankers, having that attitude probably wouldn't be a good idea.

Eventually, I told myself not to be such a girl, and decided to go. I mean, being afraid of acting stupid or gay (or both) wasn't a good reason for me to avoid having fun and meeting new people.

I arrived early, so I had the chance to talk to some of the poeple I already knew, who then introduced me to most of the people who showed up later. The first hour was just us talking about work, life, etc. Small talk. Then we all had some fajitas (It was a mexican themed party). Then, the heavy part of the party started. There were about 25 people, and as far as I know, 6 bottles of Tequila and 2 of Aguardiente were consumed during the party. I didn't get drunk until I realized I had drunk more Tequila shots than I can remember, which was way after most people did (I still have a little hangover, which was why I couldn't even smell alcohol at a friend's birthday party last night).

In the end, It was great. I did have some embarrassing moments (there was some singing, some flirting with a guy and then with a girl , and some african-colombian music dancing I regret) but overall, it was nice. Photos of the party still haven't been posted on Facebook, so I don't know how things will look on those...I hope nobody took a picture at the wrong time and make me look like a total drunk...I don't photograph well :-)

What pisses me off is getting nervious every time I have to face a large group of people, being afraid of people telling I'm gay just because the way I talk, or the way I move my hands, or any other thing...which only makes me act like a total social inept. I guess that's what's important about taking an internship, not only practicing what I've learnt at college, but also facing the work environment, and everything it implies...including, maybe, my fear to homophobia.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

I think I'm having a middle age crisis...20 years too soon.

This week I've felt kinda weird. Like the fact that I'm making money and practicing what I've learnt at college (well, not really) doesn't matter to me. I'm feeling an uncomfortable emptyness in my being...

There has been a really important meeting out of town for all the "big kahunas" from the company I work at, which means there are no bosses around these days. Imagine a kindergarden without any teachers's been kinda crazy. We play loud music, play Wii all day (I've kick ass at Wii Sports hahaha), take 2+ hours for lunch, play jokes on each other...If we could only had access to Facebook, and we didn't have to wear a suit (nobody's telling us to wear it, but you know, we're supposed to act like adults, even when our bosses aren't around), it would be heaven.

The sad thing is that this couple of days have been by far the most exciting I've had in the two months of my internship. I'm starting to feel a little bored at work. All I do is taking a huge database, and getting all kinds of information from it. I know that it's just the beggining, and that as you get more responsability, it gets more interesting...but do I really want that?

My interest in filmmaking has increased dramatically in the last weeks, which I hate...I just wished I could feel safely atteched to one thing, instead of wondering eternally what do I want to do with my life. Roght now, all I have in my mind is joining an Exchange program and going to Canada or Australia (I really wished I could go to the U.K. or the U.S., but they're much more expensive...I hate you american and brittish guys) for at least a semester, before I graduate from College. I'm dying to know how college life is in another country (I already know how it is to be a waiter at a restaurant in a random US city, thanks to the Work and Travel programs I have done... now I want something more complex and less frustrating). Some information from fellow readers would be greatly appreciated.

Oh, and for the first time in my life, I'm starting to feel like I want to be in a long term realtionship. Just to know what it feels like.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Booze, Rock Music and an Old Crush

Last night I went out with my friends from High School. Our initial plan was going to Socorro!!!, an indie rock bar we like a lot. But we decided we'd better have some cheap drinks before. So we went to a crappy liquor store, bought rum and wine, to remember old times (When we were in high school, our favoite plan was buying cheap red wine, and drink it at a park two blocks away from our school). At 11pm, we headed to Socorro!!!. We were really wasted.

After walking about 25 blocks and being stopped by cops (Luckily we weren't carrying any alcohol bottles with us, or we would've spent the rest of the night at a police station), we got to the bar. We bought some more booze (I can't really remember what we bought...I think it was rum), which rose our drunkenness to a higher level. Luckily, I didn't get drunk enough to do embarrasing things...I just flirted with one of the female dj's, and then shamelessly undressed with my eyes at one of my coworkers who was at the bar (I'm afraid tomorrow when I see him at work, he'll look at me like "That drunk gay guy who was harrassing me all night").

One of my friends called some girl he's hitting on, and she told him to go to a bar two blocks away. When we got there, the place was so crowded they weren't letting anyone go inside. As we waited in line, one of my friends told me: "Hey, isn't that the girl you had a huge crush on at High School?".

That Girl and I were really good friends at High School. I initially met her because I was hitting on a friend of hers, but we became friends. That was, until I realized I was in love with her. Then I started to act all weird, because I knew it wasn't mutual, so I didn't want her to the end of senior year we grew apart, and after we graduated, we didn't speak again. I must admit the only time I've been in love has been with That Girl. But she was also a very good friend of mine, so it hurted me that I lost her for being such an idiot.

We waited in line about 10 minutes, until we got in. She was kind of trying to avoid meeting me, but I didn't care. We started talking about our lifes, what has happened to us in the last 4 years, etc. At some point, she asked me if I had been in love with her. I didn't know what to say, so i just told her everything...that I really wanted to be with her back then, but that I knew how she felt about me, and that back then, I had acted like a jerk because I didn't want to be vulnerable (Good thing I was drunk otherwise I wouldn't have been able to stand that conversation).

I also told her I missed her, that I had started dating guys a couple of years ago, and a lot of other things.

After an hour, my friends and I decided to go home. That Girl and I made the promess to keep talking regularly, at least on MSN. I doubt we'll keep that promess....last night I realized we have changed a lot since we graduated, and after so much time, I don't think we'll ever be as close as we used to be. She gave me her cell phone number, and I left.

We stayed on the sidewalk for a while (One of my friends wasn't feeling so good). I called Gay Sensei, and told him about my conversation with That Girl (He's kind of a Night Owl, so I know it's OK to call him at 4am to ask for some life advice). As I was talking to him, I realized that by telling her everything, I felt kind of ashamed, but it was also very therapeutical. I was able to close that chapter of my life, and moving on. Plus, maybe we'll be friends again, right?

Pd: I have such a hangover right now, that while I was writing this post, there was an earthquake (not a strong one though), and I didn't felt it!! Which is great, because earthquakes are probably the only thing that paralizes me out of fear...alcohol is awsome: not only it helps you to openly express your feelings, but it also helps you to hide all the negative things in life, like earthquakes! (OMG I'm turning into an alcoholic...)

Monday, February 11, 2008

A tragic Loss

A very special part of my life is gone. When I got home from work, my mother's sad face told me something bad had happened. I imagined a lot of things, but I couldn't have possibly imagined wht it was. After she told me, I didn't say anything. I couldn't be mad, or angry. I was in shock. How is it possible that such an important part of your life, can just dissapear without a chance of ever seeing it again?

I spent Summer '06, working at an Amusement Park. I didn't make much money, so I tried to save as much as I could. But one day, my friends and I decided to give ourselves a little treat and going shopping. At some point, I went into a Calvin Klein store. And that's when I saw what would change my live forever: A black v-neck merino wool sweater.

Yes, I'm making such a big deal over a sweater. So what? I loved that damn thing. You have no idea how hard it is for me to find clothes that fit me: I'm 5'4'', which for american standards, means I'm the size of a 14 year old (in Colombia it's pretty much the same thing too). But that sweater was just perfect on me. It was fitted to my body, and sleeves and chest weren't long. I loved it so much, that even though it wasn't an expensive garment or anything, my mom used to take it to the dry cleaner's, so it was taken care of properly. Except this morning, when my mom took it out of there, it never made it home. My mom's guess is that she dropped it while she was doing some other errands...we'll never really know.

Now I have to look for a replacement. Finding the exact same one is impossible here, since I don't know any store that sells Calvin Klein clothes in Colombia. I've tried Ralph Lauren, but they only have these really thick wool sewaters that look huge on me...

I don't know if my life will be the same again. I know it's ridiculous and pathetic to get so attached to meaningless objects (Three years ago, I lost my cell phone, and I put up a search group to look for it through the entire University Campus), but I only want the soft feeling of merino wool in my skin more time (No, seriously! I need to find a replacement badly!)