Tuesday, December 19, 2006

The First Time

It was sunday afternoon, and I was bored to death. I had been without internet service since thursday, so I felt like I was completely disnonnected from the outside world (God, am I shallow...). So I started calling everyone in my cell phone contact list, and only Maye was the only one who hadn't travelled for the weekend or didn't have a huge hung over from saturday night (I had dinner with my family, so there was no partying por me on saturday). I picked her up, and decided we wanted to watch a movie at a mall at Zona Rosa, one of the biggest bar and shopping districts in Bogota, just a few blocks away from Maye's home. So on our way there, we started talking about what happened in 2006.

Before I continue, I just want to say that I have always felt really guilty with Maye, because we are really close friends, and she always tell me everything that happens in her life. But I'm more closed about my feelings, so she really doesn't know too much of what happens in my life, because I just don't like talking about my thing, even with close friends (clearly, being gay is one of those things)

But since I discovered "the blog circuit", I've realized it's ok to talk about things, it's ok to share your problems with other people. I mean, that's one of the reasons I started the blog in the first place, so I can realease all the pressure feeling can cause when they're trapped inside my head.

And as Maye told me how bad she felt about certain things that happened to her in recent months, I decided I'd tell her everything that night. When we arrived at the mall, we found out we'd have to wait an hour an a half to watch the only decent movie they were playing. So instead, we decided just to have some coffee and then go home. At the coffee place, I was no longer paying attention to her. The only thing I could think of was How was I going to tell her. This is a description of what was happened:

Maye: Oh, I did so bad this semester! It's just I had so much things going on in my life, I just didn't know how to handle them...(she kept talking)
My Head: Ok, so how do I tell her? I could start with the classic "I have something to tell you"... or should I just say it like it's no big deal, like "Yeah, too bad...by the way, I'm gay"...what do I do? Hey...pay attention to her! you're not the only one with problems, you know?
Me: Oh, really? well, I'm sure next year will be better...
Maye: I hope so, because...(she kept talking)
My head: C'mon, are you going to tell her, or not? I mean, it doens't HAVE to be today, you know? why don't you wait for a couple of days, and prepare your "speach", or whatever you have in mind?
Maye: ...and tell me, how was this semester for you?
Me: Well, you know, it was...ok. I mean, I have thought about a lot of things this semester...about my career, my life...I think travelling to the US helped me to see things from another point of view.
Maye: Like what things?
My head: yeah, let's wait. You'll have many oportunities to tell her...It doesn't have to be now. It's better that way. Yeah.
Me: Well, for example, I realized I'm gay.
My head: what??????
Maye: yeah, that happens...are you serious?
Me: uhmm well, yes.
Maye: Well, it's better you realized that now, instead of one day being married and miserable about it...
Me: yeah, I know...

Anyway, what surprised me the most was her "underreaction"...she was too cool about it...I think I expected a little bit more of surprise on her, but it's fine...I've outed to someone for the first time.

1 comment:

a boy said...