the PRSF period

So I decided to spend New Year's eve in Pasto. I'll travel this weekend, and I'll stay with Maye and her Family. I thought spending this particular holiday without them would be good for my parents an I, because at least there would be no "golden" comments during the dinner like "I hope next year you think about your attitude" or "I just want you to know that I spent this year too stressed out about you". I mean, comments that if anyone else heard, they would inmediately think I spent months in jail, or drug rehab.
And since It'll be the first time I'll spend New Year's Eve without my parents, I asked them to go out and have dinner tonight. Although they didn't seem too convinced, they finally agreed and went to a restaurant a few blocks away. Well, tonight I discovered that If anyone in this house is an adict, it's them. They're addicted to drama!!! they just can't live without it. I mean, I sat down at the table thinking "well, maybe this dinner won't turn out as the many holiday dinners do". Well, I was wrong. We hadn't ordered our drinks yet, when the drama began. These were some topics my father adressed during a very long dinner (my mother just sat next to him and said "yes, I agree", as she always does):

How I never help them do anything.
How I never talk to them.
How other people's sons DO help their parents doing things, and talk to them, and how they already know what they want to do with their lifes.
How I'm wasting time travelling and going to parties while I should be thinking about my career.
How they had to face so much things by the time they had my age, and yet I think I've suffered.
ETC.

And since I've heard the same speach for years, I developed a skill for paying no attention to what they say, and still shaking my head and nodding my head when I'm supposed to. So while they said those wonderful comments, I just thought "God, If I change my major, Ill take at least another two years to leave my parent's house. I think I'll have gone crazy by then". I think by this time I resigned to the hopes of having a normal relationship with them...Whatever. By saturday I'll be gone, so they'll have to find someone to complain at. And to celebrate that, when I finish posting this, I'll officially start my PRSF period (Parents-Related Stress-Free period), which ends the 7th of january, when I come back to Bogota. I'll use that time to have fun, to stop worrying, and finally have some peace (God knows next year I'll be missing that peace a lot).

And since I'll be gone for some time, I just want to wish to the two or three people who visit my blog (and everyone in general) a happy new year, and I hope it'll bring a lot of happiness and joy to your lifes. That's it for 2006, see you again on 2007.

the PRSF period has officially started.

Christmas

I don't know how does it work in other countries, but in Colombia, praying the Christmas Novena is a huge tradition here. For those of you who don't know what it is, is just a prayer made for nine consecutive days until christmas eve. It's usually a very festive celebration, where friends and family gather and eat pastries, talking, planning holiday trips (and also, there's some praying in between). This year's novenas were really fun. Each day's novena was hosted by a friend, so I had the chance to catch up with people I hadn't seen since before finals,gossiping, meeting new people...It was good because I think at the end of the semester we were all so stressed out about finals we just wanted to kill each other. But there we were, friends again.

It's a shame novenas at home have become so boring. When I was a child, I was usually the happiest one at home...we sang christmas carols, and there was always someone over, it was fun. These are some of the classis moments I remember the most:
- The massive amounts of food we ate
- My uncle, who gots drunk before we even start praying
- How everyone tried to keep up my dad's rithm when we sing carols (when dad was a child, he studied in a Catholic Boarding school, so I guess he learnt to sing at the children's chorus, and that's why he can reach those high notes that nobody else can)
- The way my mother always forgot the lyrics of the carols, so she always made up her own, and we all ended up laughing (with her, not at her)

But now it's just my parents, grandma and I, praying like we were at some relative's funeral. I don't know when was it that the relationship with my parents became so weird...I wish things were different, but at the same time it's like none of us really wants to do anything about it.
Christmas eve was better, because my brother came over. He's the fun one in the family, he's always making awkward jokes, and things change a lot when he comes. Plus, his wife is really funny too, my brother an her are always teasing each other, so when me all get together we have a really good time.

I'll probably spend New Year's eve with some friends...We've been trying to travel, taking into account that several of the main colombian cities are hosting carnivals these days...If everything turns out as planned, It'll be the first time I'll spend New Year's eve without my parents...maybe being appart will make the time we spend together more valuable. Or at least we won't make ach others holidays' miserable.

The 20th birthday wish list

So after a lot of thinking, I realized these are the things I'd like to do before my 20th birthday. Some of them are really childlish (which is weird since the whole idea of the list is that it'll be a symbol of my adulthood), but I just thought I've been too stressed out about things, and realized maybe I haven't enjoyed some things in life. So here's the list, Hopefully I'll get some opinions about it:

1. Getting a driver's license (See prev. Post)
   
2. Organizing (getting rid of) the piles of exams, homeworks, notebooks, etc. that I've accumulated all around the house since I was in high school.
3. Going Backpacking. Since I was very young, my friends from high school and I have planned on going backpacking trough latinamerica, or Maybe the US. But we've never really done anything about it, just because we've been too lazy. Chances I'll do it next summer are really small, because I'll probably have to take summer classes if I want to graduate in 2008, so I'll extend the deadline for this point of the list until december of 2007.
4. Running the Half-Marathon of Bogota: when I was younger, I used to practice tennis and swimming. But as I grew older, I also became too lazy to wake up for sports practice, so I eventually dropped it. But because of my lack of physical activity and my terrible mood, every time I'm under a lot of stress (during finals, for example), the muscles in my back and neck collapse, and I start feeling like I slept over a pile of rocks. So I decided I'm going to start doing exercise again. I think joining a gym is the best option, since there are a lot of different exercises you can do, and people who can tell you what exercises are better for you. And the best way of showing my improved physical condition will be running the Half-Marathon, which takes place in July. I know if I had to run tomorrow, I'd pass out at some point of the first 5 miles. But hopefully that'll change in the next seven months.
5. Going to NYC: I'm in love with New York, but I've never been there. The hole idea of a city that has such a rich cultural diversity makes me very excited. I know it sounds very stereotypical, being the latin guy who thinks NYC represents the oportunity of fulfilling his dreams, etc. NYC means to me the ideal life i'd love to live: a city that doens't sleep, a vibrant place where you have a lot of options in food, entertainment, culture, a place that gathers a lot of influences from different parts of the world, and that idea just makes me crazy. It all depends of what happens at college next semester...(I also want to go backpacking, so there are a lot of things I want to do next summer, but won't happen if I have to stay if I have to take summer classes).

When I started writing this post, I thought there would be a lot of things on this list. But I realized that it's not so much about what I want to do before I'm 20, It's the person I want to be before I'm 20. I want to stop being so lazy, and start doing things on my own. I want to stop being afraid, and finally start living. I feel like there's an entire wolrd of experiences and emotions waiting for me to discover them, But I have chosen to keep my Life on Hold while I try to figure thing out. And I don't want that anymore (hahaha I'm finally becoming an adult!!!!)

Driving Lessons

In less than 9 months I'll be 20 years Old. Not only I look a lot younger (thanks to my parents' genetics, I have the height and the face of a teenager) , but I feel a lot younger. It's like three years of college haven't had that much of an impact on me. But I've decided that I still have time to change that, before my birthday. You know how a lot of people make a list of things they would've liked to do before they reached certain age? Well, I'm writing mine with the things I'd like to accomplish before my 20th birthday. It's not ready yet (It'll be my next post), but one of the points of the list is taking driving lessons. For different reasons, I've always avoided them. Personally, I think I'll be the worst driver ever, for several reasons: First, the only driving experience I have so far comes from playing Mario Kart, where crushing other people's cars was an OK practice, and the breaks weren't really useful. And second, I'm the clumsiest guy ever. When I was in the US, I became famous between my co-workers because of the amusing stories of work accidents I had there.
But I put it in the list because I've always considered driving is a display of maturity. You see, driving in Bogota is a serious deal. You have to be aware of the crazy bus driver trying to pick up a passenger even if it means crashing your car, or watch for the numerous bumps on the streets so you don't lose a tire in the middle of the road, or trying not to run over the people crossing the street where they shouldn't, all at the same time. And for me, if you can succesfully handle all those obstacles, you're officialy a responsable grown up.
I've already made the appointment at the driving academy, and I'll start the lessons in january. Until then, I'll be preparing myself for it (well, if you can call preparing just having a lot of nightmares of car accidents involving me as the main character).

The First Time

It was sunday afternoon, and I was bored to death. I had been without internet service since thursday, so I felt like I was completely disnonnected from the outside world (God, am I shallow...). So I started calling everyone in my cell phone contact list, and only Maye was the only one who hadn't travelled for the weekend or didn't have a huge hung over from saturday night (I had dinner with my family, so there was no partying por me on saturday). I picked her up, and decided we wanted to watch a movie at a mall at Zona Rosa, one of the biggest bar and shopping districts in Bogota, just a few blocks away from Maye's home. So on our way there, we started talking about what happened in 2006.

Before I continue, I just want to say that I have always felt really guilty with Maye, because we are really close friends, and she always tell me everything that happens in her life. But I'm more closed about my feelings, so she really doesn't know too much of what happens in my life, because I just don't like talking about my thing, even with close friends (clearly, being gay is one of those things)

But since I discovered "the blog circuit", I've realized it's ok to talk about things, it's ok to share your problems with other people. I mean, that's one of the reasons I started the blog in the first place, so I can realease all the pressure feeling can cause when they're trapped inside my head.

And as Maye told me how bad she felt about certain things that happened to her in recent months, I decided I'd tell her everything that night. When we arrived at the mall, we found out we'd have to wait an hour an a half to watch the only decent movie they were playing. So instead, we decided just to have some coffee and then go home. At the coffee place, I was no longer paying attention to her. The only thing I could think of was How was I going to tell her. This is a description of what was happened:

Maye: Oh, I did so bad this semester! It's just I had so much things going on in my life, I just didn't know how to handle them...(she kept talking)
My Head: Ok, so how do I tell her? I could start with the classic "I have something to tell you"... or should I just say it like it's no big deal, like "Yeah, too bad...by the way, I'm gay"...what do I do? Hey...pay attention to her! you're not the only one with problems, you know?
Me: Oh, really? well, I'm sure next year will be better...
Maye: I hope so, because...(she kept talking)
My head: C'mon, are you going to tell her, or not? I mean, it doens't HAVE to be today, you know? why don't you wait for a couple of days, and prepare your "speach", or whatever you have in mind?
Maye: ...and tell me, how was this semester for you?
Me: Well, you know, it was...ok. I mean, I have thought about a lot of things this semester...about my career, my life...I think travelling to the US helped me to see things from another point of view.
Maye: Like what things?
My head: yeah, let's wait. You'll have many oportunities to tell her...It doesn't have to be now. It's better that way. Yeah.
Me: Well, for example, I realized I'm gay.
My head: what??????
Maye: yeah, that happens...are you serious?
Me: uhmm well, yes.
Maye: Well, it's better you realized that now, instead of one day being married and miserable about it...
Me: yeah, I know...

Anyway, what surprised me the most was her "underreaction"...she was too cool about it...I think I expected a little bit more of surprise on her, but it's fine...I've outed to someone for the first time.

Flirting 101

Trough college, I've met a lot of hot guys. The problem is that even if my gaydar, and in general, common sense told me they were possibly gay, I never made a move...which was probably the best, taking into account I plan to be in the closet for a while.
One of those guys is Luis. He's 21, tanned, an kind of athletic. We took Phisics together, and since we didn't do well on that area, we always tried to help each other understanding what the teacher said (and always failed), although we didn't really became friends or anything. My gaydar always told me he ws problably gay...not that he was too obvious or anything, but there were just a lot of small things here and there...anyway, I never really paid too much atention to it, and I just thought he was a nice guy and that was it.

But one day, I was checking a friend's myspace, and since I had nothing else to do, I started browsing through the gay profiles. I didn't want to meet anyone, I just wanted to see if my gaydar worked and one of the guys in the "College's hot list" was between one of the profiles. At first i didn't recognized anyone, but I was looking at a profile, and It turned out Luis was listed as one of the guy's friends. I checked Luis' profile, and that guy had written a message like "I remember the first time we met..." I just started laughing, because I realized several things:
1. My gaydar works
2. A guy I liked (not too much, but...) was finally "available". This was the first time that I could actually hit on a guy, safely (I wasn't going to get punched or anything). There was the possibility of getting something.

After that, I realized I'm the clumsiest guy ever.Instead of and bringing out the subject in a very casual way, I just sat next to him, withouth saying a word, like a nervious 13 year-old girl. I mean I've flirted with girls a lot, I still do it, and I have no problem at it...but the idea of flirting with a guy just sounded SO cheesy...(so cheesy, I actually had to try really hard not to laugh in the middle of the classroom, just because of the awkwardness of the situation).

One of the things that makes getting out of the closet so boring is that it'll be like high school again, but with guys...I mean, what do you do, you call the day after the date? Does one of us have to open the door? Who pays for dinner? I'm so clumsy that at this point I don't know if I'm staying in the closet because I'm afraid of people's reaction, or just to avoid a lot of embarrassment...

Waking Up

So, the year is over... This semester was terrible. After I arrived form the U.S., I had to catch up with so many things I barely had a social life this semester. An my final grades were kinda lame...I had 6 final exams this semester, the most I have ever had (and they kept me busy the past two weeks, non-stop). By last week's Tuesday, I still had two finals left, but I was so exhausted that as soon as I opened a book, I inmediately felt asleep. I had my last final on saturday (at 7am), and right before the teacher started giving us the exams, I realized I had forgotten everything I had learnt in the past 5 months. I felt so relieved when it was over...after the exam, it was all fun that weekend. I went downtwn shopping at the flee markets (If you ever travel to Colombia, you have to visit them, we have some amazing handcrafts here), went to the movies and watched The Prestige (Hugh Jackman's chest should be illegal-great movie, by the way), got drunk with some friends from high school, so many things I hadn't done because of University stuff. I realized that I've a little bit more than a month before I get back to classes, and have some real fun. It's only fair, after all the hard work I did this semester.

My iPod is playing: and all-time favorite: One More Time, Daft Punk.