Sunday, May 17, 2009

Boy, it's been a long time.

Two weeks ago I received an email notification from Blogger, telling me someone had just commented in my blog. I realized I hadn't posted anything in more than a year. As I went through my old posts, it shocked me how much (some) things have changed over that period of time.

When I started this blog, I did it because I wanted to keep some sort of journal of my "coming out" process. I wanted to write about my insecurities, my doubts, hopes and fears I had about what back then was a completely unknown world for me. More than a year (and about a handful of guys) later, I can honestly say that I don't feel a lot more confident about that world than I did back then. However, I can say I do have a lot more experience with the males, and I have learned some valuable things that must be obvious for most people, but that a while ago, were completely unknown for moi:

1) Men can get older, but not necessarily wiser.
I've usually been attracted to men a lot older than me. I'd always felt like in most cases, they had overcome a lot of issues, like coming out, or being confident with their sexuality, both in bed, and in public, issues that most men my age (21-ish) are still dealing with (as I know I am). But if the two men over 35 (yes, I like my beef well done!!) I went out with in the past year are any indication, age really doesn't really make a difference. Yes, they know a lot of things in bed younger guys know, and yes, their voice sounds sexier on the phone, and no, they don't have to interrupt anything to answer his phone and say "don't worry, mom, I'll be home early". But commitment issues? Infidelity? Ego? One Night Stand-iness? they were all there, too. And now that I think about it, you can expect a 20 year old's issues to disappear over time, but a 39 year old's? Probably not. Who knows!! I've never stayed to watch.

2) 6 Degrees of Separation? Make that 2, at the most.
It is a sad moment when you first realize the guy you just met and found charming, cute, smart, and (hopefully) a wild animal in bed, has been involved with someone you were also involved with in the past. There are several mutations of that situation, often involving friends, enemies, and sometimes even relatives (happened to a friend... his Xmas family reunions were never the same). And in a city like mine, where the gay scene is smaller than in bigger american cities, the sense of indirectly having had sex with everyone in the bar is not very pleasant.

3) Move over, God. Gays are omniscient and omnipresent, too (which is kind of an extension from number 2).
What is the fucking deal with who I date, what I wear or where I hang out at? Whi is it a matter of public discussion? I have been surprised to be asked by the most random people, things like "hey, so you're dating X, did you know he used to date Y, and then dumped him for Z?" I mean, I love gossip as much as the next guy, and I am somewhat interested in fashion (yes, I have "cliche" written all over me), but it gets kind of sad and pathetic to watch people dedicate hours of their lives finding out the latest scoop on people they have never met, while they criticize their latest outfit! Now, in every environment, whether it is at college, at work, or even among your own friends, you're always going to find someone who won't stop getting in other people's business. But jeez, sometimes when I am at a gay bar, it gets really hard to listen to the music because of all the bitching!! I think I have a really big problem with 9 out of 10 gay men thinking they're so cool and see themselves as Virgin Mary's second child.

Anyway, those are just some things I can honestly say I have learned since my last post. I probably won't write again, and doubt anyone will read this, since I stopped doing the "gay blog circuit". Bad thing, though, because I've always thought the mere exercise of writing about your life makes you look at it from a different perspective... I could use some of that. BTW, here's the latest SSIMH (song stuck in my head):