Lots of balls in the air

Boy, it's been a long time.

2009-05-17T23:34:00.009-05:00

Two weeks ago I received an email notification from Blogger, telling me someone had just commented in my blog. I realized I hadn't posted anything in more than a year. As I went through my old posts, it shocked me how much (some) things have changed over that period of time.

When I started this blog, I did it because I wanted to keep some sort of journal of my "coming out" process. I wanted to write about my insecurities, my doubts, hopes and fears I had about what back then was a completely unknown world for me. More than a year (and about a handful of guys) later, I can honestly say that I don't feel a lot more confident about that world than I did back then. However, I can say I do have a lot more experience with the males, and I have learned some valuable things that must be obvious for most people, but that a while ago, were completely unknown for moi:

1) Men can get older, but not necessarily wiser.
I've usually been attracted to men a lot older than me. I'd always felt like in most cases, they had overcome a lot of issues, like coming out, or being confident with their sexuality, both in bed, and in public, issues that most men my age (21-ish) are still dealing with (as I know I am). But if the two men over 35 (yes, I like my beef well done!!) I went out with in the past year are any indication, age really doesn't really make a difference. Yes, they know a lot of things in bed younger guys know, and yes, their voice sounds sexier on the phone, and no, they don't have to interrupt anything to answer his phone and say "don't worry, mom, I'll be home early". But commitment issues? Infidelity? Ego? One Night Stand-iness? they were all there, too. And now that I think about it, you can expect a 20 year old's issues to disappear over time, but a 39 year old's? Probably not. Who knows!! I've never stayed to watch.

2) 6 Degrees of Separation? Make that 2, at the most.
It is a sad moment when you first realize the guy you just met and found charming, cute, smart, and (hopefully) a wild animal in bed, has been involved with someone you were also involved with in the past. There are several mutations of that situation, often involving friends, enemies, and sometimes even relatives (happened to a friend... his Xmas family reunions were never the same). And in a city like mine, where the gay scene is smaller than in bigger american cities, the sense of indirectly having had sex with everyone in the bar is not very pleasant.

3) Move over, God. Gays are omniscient and omnipresent, too (which is kind of an extension from number 2).
What is the fucking deal with who I date, what I wear or where I hang out at? Whi is it a matter of public discussion? I have been surprised to be asked by the most random people, things like "hey, so you're dating X, did you know he used to date Y, and then dumped him for Z?" I mean, I love gossip as much as the next guy, and I am somewhat interested in fashion (yes, I have "cliche" written all over me), but it gets kind of sad and pathetic to watch people dedicate hours of their lives finding out the latest scoop on people they have never met, while they criticize their latest outfit! Now, in every environment, whether it is at college, at work, or even among your own friends, you're always going to find someone who won't stop getting in other people's business. But jeez, sometimes when I am at a gay bar, it gets really hard to listen to the music because of all the bitching!! I think I have a really big problem with 9 out of 10 gay men thinking they're so cool and see themselves as Virgin Mary's second child.

Anyway, those are just some things I can honestly say I have learned since my last post. I probably won't write again, and doubt anyone will read this, since I stopped doing the "gay blog circuit". Bad thing, though, because I've always thought the mere exercise of writing about your life makes you look at it from a different perspective... I could use some of that. BTW, here's the latest SSIMH (song stuck in my head):

A political Capsule

2008-03-04T22:23:00.003-05:00

I don't usually comment on anything differen from sex, clothes and guys, but today I'll make an exception.
I don't know if you've heard (probably not...) but things have been pretty tense here in South America. Hugo Chavez, Venezuela's crazy president, is threatening of starting a war with Colombia. And I'm cared. Probability of war actually happening is very small, but not zero. I remember that when we were studying the World Wars at High School, they taught us how a chain of apparently small events, like someone becoming president, or someone being murdered was used as an excuse for taking military actions over another country. And what has happened in the last few days, isn't so far from that. Now, I'm not going to be over dramatic, and say this is actually going to be the beginning of WW III, but the risk of an armed conflict, at least in South America is there, and could be devastating for us.
What makes me angry is that in the last years, Colombia seemed to be recovering from decades of conflict caused by drug trade, which has killed hundreds, thousands of people (actually, my grandfather was killed during the beginning of war, 40 years ago). Recently, things have changed dramatically. Cities and some rural areas are safe from terrorism, and people who had been kidnapped for years are being released. What I'm afraid of is: are we going to lose all that because of Chavez's megalomania?

Alcohol and Jealousy, dangerous combination.

2008-03-02T21:28:00.010-05:00

Yesterday afternoon, Gay Sensei called me to go with him and his friends to the same gay bar we went last time. At first I didn't really want to go, but then Will and Cat called me and told me they some other people to the same place, so I kinda didn't have a choice but going.

I went over to Sensei's place, and we walked our way to the bar, where we'd meet his friends. I had already drunk some beers at a dinner party at my place, so I was already in a "happy" mood. We got there around 10:30, and went straight in to Lottus, the men-only section of the bar, which is why Cat and her friends had to stay in Teatrino, (which does let women in). I told Will I'd meet them later. We took advantage of the open bar, so it didn't take long before I started to feel even "happier".

After dancing a little, I went downstairs to meet Will. To my surprise, they were hanging out with some people I already knew (all of them straight): two girls from college (that I don't like very much) and a guy that works in my office. When I saw him, I felt really weird about my straight co-worker dancing next to me...but after I found out both Wilson and Cat were totally over the guy, I started to feel...jealous. Not about Will, but about Cat. The thing is, I've always had a little crush on her. She's a beautiful girl, after all (although too crazy for my own taste). So I talked to her about the guy, and after some resistance, she told me she had already had sex with him, but he had a girlfriend, etc... which only made me feel even more jealous. So after a while, I made up some excuse, and went upstairs to meet Sensei and his gang.

By the time I found them, both alcohol and the whole "Cat being fucked by my co-worker" thing had done a very strong effect on me. I felt dizzy, a little angry, and I just wanted some fun. I started dancing with them again, but suddenly it was just me and Sensei (who was very drunk too) on the dancefloor. We started to get close, and he told me how flirty I had been with everyone at the bar. As the conversation got more and more kinky, I pushed him against the wall, almost making out. But then, one of his friends found us and not-so-discretly pulled us away, and we all started to the dancefloor again.

There was a guy with us who had made eye contact with me the whole night. He was cute, although so far I hadn't paid too much attention to him. But then I turned on my "homme fatale" skills, and within 5 minutes, I danced, flirted, and made up with him against a wall (oh...I'm such a slut when I drink...). After a short make out session, I went back with the rest of the group. Sensei approached me, we talked about the guy I had just made out with, flirted, and made out. Intensely.

When Sensei's friends decided to go, the effect of alcohol-jealosy was mostly gone. Sensei wanted to stay for a while, but I knew what he wanted, and I knew I didn't. I told him I was really tired, and told him we should go home. We walked to his place, where I'd take a cab, as we always do. He was still very drunk. As we walked, he started to open about a lot of things. How he felt frustrated about being caring and trusting with others, about his ex, about his life. He told me things he admitted he had never told anyone.

At that moment, my parents called me on my cell phone to check were the hell I was. They're extremely overprotective and old fashoned, so they consider being out of the house at 3am an outrageous thing to do for a "well mannered, educated young man" like me. I told them I was already in the cab, and would be home in a while. 10 min Later, we got to Sensei's place, and I called a cab. When I looked back at him, he was laying in his bed, almost asleep, and told me to sit next to him. I did, he hugged me, and I layed down, "just while I wait for the cab", I said.

I was woken up by my cell phone. It was my father. I looked through the window, and the sun was out: It was 6:30am. I had fallen asleep next to Sensei. I called a cab, and left Sensei's place. I barely said goodbye to him, since I only wanted to get home quickly, so I didn't have to stand my parents being angry the whole week (They barely spoke to me today...whatever).

I don't know what to think about last night. As he told me all those things on our way to his place, I felt really sad. Lately, we have become really close. Not in the dating kind of way, though. I just love talking to him, because he has a very dark sense of humor, plus he's a really smart guy...I wished I felt attracted to him, but I'm not. And I don't think he is attracted to me either...I just think he was feeling a bit lonely last night, and it was just the alocohol talking. I feel weird about what happened. I don't want him to get the wrong idea (making out with him wasn't the best idea, I know). I guess I'll just talk to him, and act like it was no big deal...I hope he does that too.

How to act straight after 6 bottles of Tequila

2008-02-24T19:34:00.006-05:00

There was a party held by people from work. The organizers were a bunch of 20-somethings that at some point worked at the bank, and their parties are known for being a booze fest where only a few can say they didn't woke up the day after with a huge hangover (and lots of regrets). When I was invited, I was a little doubful about attending, for several reasons:
I get really..uhm..."festive" when I drink. And by festive, I mean loud, intense, and sometimes obnoxious. And since everybody there were going to be people I'd have to see next monday at the office, I didn't want to be vulnerable of doing something embarrassing.

I'm also very..."flirty" when I drink. And by flirty, I mean I look at people I feel attracted to like a lion watches its prey right before going after it. And, being in a room full of straight bankers, having that attitude probably wouldn't be a good idea.

Eventually, I told myself not to be such a girl, and decided to go. I mean, being afraid of acting stupid or gay (or both) wasn't a good reason for me to avoid having fun and meeting new people.

I arrived early, so I had the chance to talk to some of the poeple I already knew, who then introduced me to most of the people who showed up later. The first hour was just us talking about work, life, etc. Small talk. Then we all had some fajitas (It was a mexican themed party). Then, the heavy part of the party started. There were about 25 people, and as far as I know, 6 bottles of Tequila and 2 of Aguardiente were consumed during the party. I didn't get drunk until I realized I had drunk more Tequila shots than I can remember, which was way after most people did (I still have a little hangover, which was why I couldn't even smell alcohol at a friend's birthday party last night).

In the end, It was great. I did have some embarrassing moments (there was some singing, some flirting with a guy and then with a girl , and some african-colombian music dancing I regret) but overall, it was nice. Photos of the party still haven't been posted on Facebook, so I don't know how things will look on those...I hope nobody took a picture at the wrong time and make me look like a total drunk...I don't photograph well :-)

What pisses me off is getting nervious every time I have to face a large group of people, being afraid of people telling I'm gay just because the way I talk, or the way I move my hands, or any other thing...which only makes me act like a total social inept. I guess that's what's important about taking an internship, not only practicing what I've learnt at college, but also facing the work environment, and everything it implies...including, maybe, my fear to homophobia.

I think I'm having a middle age crisis...20 years too soon.

2008-02-21T23:26:00.004-05:00

This week I've felt kinda weird. Like the fact that I'm making money and practicing what I've learnt at college (well, not really) doesn't matter to me. I'm feeling an uncomfortable emptyness in my being...

There has been a really important meeting out of town for all the "big kahunas" from the company I work at, which means there are no bosses around these days. Imagine a kindergarden without any teachers around...it's been kinda crazy. We play loud music, play Wii all day (I've kick ass at Wii Sports hahaha), take 2+ hours for lunch, play jokes on each other...If we could only had access to Facebook, and we didn't have to wear a suit (nobody's telling us to wear it, but you know, we're supposed to act like adults, even when our bosses aren't around), it would be heaven.

The sad thing is that this couple of days have been by far the most exciting I've had in the two months of my internship. I'm starting to feel a little bored at work. All I do is taking a huge database, and getting all kinds of information from it. I know that it's just the beggining, and that as you get more responsability, it gets more interesting...but do I really want that?

My interest in filmmaking has increased dramatically in the last weeks, which I hate...I just wished I could feel safely atteched to one thing, instead of wondering eternally what do I want to do with my life. Roght now, all I have in my mind is joining an Exchange program and going to Canada or Australia (I really wished I could go to the U.K. or the U.S., but they're much more expensive...I hate you american and brittish guys) for at least a semester, before I graduate from College. I'm dying to know how college life is in another country (I already know how it is to be a waiter at a restaurant in a random US city, thanks to the Work and Travel programs I have done... now I want something more complex and less frustrating). Some information from fellow readers would be greatly appreciated.

Oh, and for the first time in my life, I'm starting to feel like I want to be in a long term realtionship. Just to know what it feels like.

Booze, Rock Music and an Old Crush

2008-02-17T15:24:00.006-05:00

Last night I went out with my friends from High School. Our initial plan was going to Socorro!!!, an indie rock bar we like a lot. But we decided we'd better have some cheap drinks before. So we went to a crappy liquor store, bought rum and wine, to remember old times (When we were in high school, our favoite plan was buying cheap red wine, and drink it at a park two blocks away from our school). At 11pm, we headed to Socorro!!!. We were really wasted.

After walking about 25 blocks and being stopped by cops (Luckily we weren't carrying any alcohol bottles with us, or we would've spent the rest of the night at a police station), we got to the bar. We bought some more booze (I can't really remember what we bought...I think it was rum), which rose our drunkenness to a higher level. Luckily, I didn't get drunk enough to do embarrasing things...I just flirted with one of the female dj's, and then shamelessly undressed with my eyes at one of my coworkers who was at the bar (I'm afraid tomorrow when I see him at work, he'll look at me like "That drunk gay guy who was harrassing me all night").

One of my friends called some girl he's hitting on, and she told him to go to a bar two blocks away. When we got there, the place was so crowded they weren't letting anyone go inside. As we waited in line, one of my friends told me: "Hey, isn't that the girl you had a huge crush on at High School?".

That Girl and I were really good friends at High School. I initially met her because I was hitting on a friend of hers, but we became friends. That was, until I realized I was in love with her. Then I started to act all weird, because I knew it wasn't mutual, so I didn't want her to know...at the end of senior year we grew apart, and after we graduated, we didn't speak again. I must admit the only time I've been in love has been with That Girl. But she was also a very good friend of mine, so it hurted me that I lost her for being such an idiot.

We waited in line about 10 minutes, until we got in. She was kind of trying to avoid meeting me, but I didn't care. We started talking about our lifes, what has happened to us in the last 4 years, etc. At some point, she asked me if I had been in love with her. I didn't know what to say, so i just told her everything...that I really wanted to be with her back then, but that I knew how she felt about me, and that back then, I had acted like a jerk because I didn't want to be vulnerable (Good thing I was drunk otherwise I wouldn't have been able to stand that conversation).

I also told her I missed her, that I had started dating guys a couple of years ago, and a lot of other things.

After an hour, my friends and I decided to go home. That Girl and I made the promess to keep talking regularly, at least on MSN. I doubt we'll keep that promess....last night I realized we have changed a lot since we graduated, and after so much time, I don't think we'll ever be as close as we used to be. She gave me her cell phone number, and I left.

We stayed on the sidewalk for a while (One of my friends wasn't feeling so good). I called Gay Sensei, and told him about my conversation with That Girl (He's kind of a Night Owl, so I know it's OK to call him at 4am to ask for some life advice). As I was talking to him, I realized that by telling her everything, I felt kind of ashamed, but it was also very therapeutical. I was able to close that chapter of my life, and moving on. Plus, maybe we'll be friends again, right?

Pd: I have such a hangover right now, that while I was writing this post, there was an earthquake (not a strong one though), and I didn't felt it!! Which is great, because earthquakes are probably the only thing that paralizes me out of fear...alcohol is awsome: not only it helps you to openly express your feelings, but it also helps you to hide all the negative things in life, like earthquakes! (OMG I'm turning into an alcoholic...)

A tragic Loss

2008-02-11T23:19:00.000-05:00

A very special part of my life is gone. When I got home from work, my mother's sad face told me something bad had happened. I imagined a lot of things, but I couldn't have possibly imagined wht it was. After she told me, I didn't say anything. I couldn't be mad, or angry. I was in shock. How is it possible that such an important part of your life, can just dissapear without a chance of ever seeing it again?

I spent Summer '06, working at an Amusement Park. I didn't make much money, so I tried to save as much as I could. But one day, my friends and I decided to give ourselves a little treat and going shopping. At some point, I went into a Calvin Klein store. And that's when I saw what would change my live forever: A black v-neck merino wool sweater.

Yes, I'm making such a big deal over a sweater. So what? I loved that damn thing. You have no idea how hard it is for me to find clothes that fit me: I'm 5'4'', which for american standards, means I'm the size of a 14 year old (in Colombia it's pretty much the same thing too). But that sweater was just perfect on me. It was fitted to my body, and sleeves and chest weren't long. I loved it so much, that even though it wasn't an expensive garment or anything, my mom used to take it to the dry cleaner's, so it was taken care of properly. Except this morning, when my mom took it out of there, it never made it home. My mom's guess is that she dropped it while she was doing some other errands...we'll never really know.

Now I have to look for a replacement. Finding the exact same one is impossible here, since I don't know any store that sells Calvin Klein clothes in Colombia. I've tried Ralph Lauren, but they only have these really thick wool sewaters that look huge on me...

I don't know if my life will be the same again. I know it's ridiculous and pathetic to get so attached to meaningless objects (Three years ago, I lost my cell phone, and I put up a search group to look for it through the entire University Campus), but I only want the soft feeling of merino wool in my skin again...one more time (No, seriously! I need to find a replacement badly!)

Good Night Kissing

2008-02-05T20:52:00.000-05:00

This weekend was definitely one of the weirdest, funniest, and most exhausting ones I've ever had. I didn't really do much on friday night, because I felt too tired from work. But saturday was waaay different...

Yesterday was my father's birthday, but we celebrated it with a lunch on saturday, so all the family could be there. I only ate a small bowl of cereal for breakfast at 8am, so when the beer and wine started to be served at lunch, my stomach was pretty much empty. Needless to say, by 3pm, I was a little drunk. And by 4pm, I was veeery drunk.

We left the restaurant at 5pm and went home, so I was able to take a small break before going to antoher birthday party: Gay Sensei's. He said it would be the perfect opportunity for him to introduce me to his friends (I had mentioned him how I didn't know a lot of gay people), having some cake, and then going to a nightclub. I arrived at his place at 7pm, he invited me to come in and told "only one of my friends has already arrived...let me introduce him to you" We went into his bedroom, and there was his friend. The moment I saw him, I was completely paralized.

(Parenthesis)
The night before, Gay Sensei told me that a neighbor friend of his was going to give him a small violin concert as a birthday gift. When he told me that, I remembered that when I was in High school, there was this guy in our class, Cam, who everybody (including me) bullied because he was really femenine, and he played the violin (not the best instrument to affirm your heterosexuality). I felt tempted to ask him if that violinist happened to be Cam...but I thought the world can't be THAT small, right?
(End of Parenthesis)

Well, it was Cam. I tried to act like I wasn't surprised at all, so I just said "Hi", like it wasn't a big deal. But on the inside, all I could think was OMFG!!!!. He was clearly surprised, and started to make all kinds of questions I tried to avoid politely, as Gay Sensei's friends started to arrive. I'm usually shy when introduced to friends' friends, but they were great. They're all like a big gay family, making fun of each other, telling jokes, it was amazing.

We had some birthday cake, drank some wine and some vodka, and then headed to Lottus, whcih is probably the biggest gay nightclub in Bogota (entrance is restricted for women, unlike toher places). We got there like at 11:30pm, and went straight to the dance floor. It was really my first night in a gay club in Bogota, so it was a special night...I had told Gay Sensei I just wanted to get really wasted, and having a lot of fun, so we wasted no time, and started drinking as much as we could.
At first I was very inhibited, but Gay Sensei's friends just included me and Cam in their group (Cam hadn't met any of them eaither, although he has a LOT more experience in gay clubbing than I do). As we drank more, and music was more festive, the wildest they got. At first, they liked to make a circle and push someone into the center, and then start fondling him (nothing really sexual, it was just for fun). Later, they started to dance very closely to each other.

At some point, (when we were very drunk) I mentioned how shocked I was the first time I went into a gay nightclub in the US, because the first thing I saw was a group of like 5 shirtless guys making out together. One of them said it was inpossible to make out comfortably with more than 2 people, and that was when it all started. Suddenly, they (6 guys) were making out in the middle of the dance floor. I was shocked, but they pulled me into it. Out of that group, I liked 2 of them, so I tried to concentrate my attention to them. Also, I tried to avoid kissing Cam, who had been pulled into the group too. After several songs making out in a group, we split and started making out in groups of 2 or 3. There was this guy, the one I like the most, who grabbed me and pushed me against the wall, and we made out for like 5 minutes, until I had to stop because I was laughing so much (again, it wasn't anything sexual, just a thing of the moment). Then, Gay Sensei felt it was his turn and stood very close to me, but I said it was enough kissing for the night. But then he whispered in my ear "C'mon, It's my bitrhday...and I really like you". I was shocked by his statement. But then, I was also drunk, so... I gave up, and made out with him for a while. He's a good kisser, but that's it...I'm not really atracted to him.

After we finally got tired of that making out session, we went to the dance floor for a while, and then left the place like at 4am. Cam, Gay Sensei and I started walking, and talking about random stuff. I was lucky I wasn't so drunk anymore, so I didn't start disclosing details of my personal life as much as Cam did. He has uhmm... a very high mileage, I'd say. We got at Sensei's, Cam said goodbye, and I called a cab. I got home at 6am, and then woke up at 11am with a mild hangover to go to Tae Box class at the Gym. I could barely concentrate on the moves, just thinking of everything that had happened just hours before.
It's funny how I was so shocked about what happened on saturday, I mean...I've done wilder stuff than making out with a guy (well I hadn't done it with 6), but I just hadn't done anything like that in Bogota, where there are some many people I know. When I hung out in NYC, for example, there was a sense of anonimity I liked...but here, I don't know...it's like starting to discover everything for the first time all over again.

Gay Sensei

2008-01-31T13:38:00.000-05:00

For about 5 years, I've been in gay chatrooms, and met the weirdest people ever. I've heard everything: guys asking me if I'd like to be fucked wearing women's clothes, or inviting me to a motel near the airport to have sex, and of course the worst one, a guy who once invited me to a "golden shower orgy" (eeeeeeeeeeeew).

Luckily, I've also met some really nice people. For example, I once talked to a chemical engineer who I had a lot in common, so we became friends very quickly. I probably talked for the first time to him about a year ago, and we've kept talking frequently after that. He's 25, and he has a lot more experience in the gay world than I do, so he's the one I always tell my silly adventures , seeking for some kind of advice (Which bars I should go to, tips to approach guys, and how to tune in my gaydar properly...you know, basic stuff every gay man need to know...lol), and that's why I started calling him Gay Sensei. As weird as it sounds, we had never talked about meeting face to face until last week. He was the one who suggested it, but he didn't know if I was willing to have a beer with another guy without caring what other people thought about us (He knows I'm not just too much into the closet, but also a very shy guy).

But I decided I didn't care, and I wanted to meet him. So after I got out of work, we met and went for a couple of beers (which ended up being 6 rounds of beer). It was the funniest night ever. We have soo much in common:
- We're both the size of a stamp , so we shared our sad stories and the trauma of always being the shortest guy everywhere we went (actually, I'm 5'4'', and he's 5'3'', so it made me feel a little bit better to have a friend shorter than me).
- We both have a very dark sense of humor, so we made a competition of the most offensive comments we have ever said to others (I won!).
- He's an engineer, but is really into literature and arts, so I was able to talk to him about how hard it's been for me to choose a career (I still haven't made up my mind between Engineering and Film Making).

I have to say it was a completely innocent gathering, no atraction involved. We talked for about five hours, and I felt like we had been friends forever. And it was great, because he told me a lot of things about his experience when he was coming out of the closet, so it's always nice to meet someone who can give you a different perspective (Will is also just starting to come out, so there's not a lot of experience he can share with me, and well, there wasn't really a lot of talking with Hot Asian Guy, to mention the most recent examples).
It's also nice to realize that internet can be used for meeting really valuable people, and not just creepy freaks ready to hump the first guy they find (not that people who do that bothers me, but I'm just not into that anymore).

Too much spare time

2008-01-30T22:41:00.000-05:00

I've already been "working" for about a month. And I say "working" because a regular day at work is this: I get there at 8:30, talk a little with the people I work with, then I read Stendhal's "The Red and the Black", then check Facebook (when access isn't blocked by the internal server), then we go out for lunch at 12:30pm, go back to the office at 2pm, read again, maybe listening to music for a while, and maybe talking to a friend on the phone about what we're going to do next weekend, until I go home at 5:30pm. Oh, yeah, and ocasionally, I get the honor to go print some important document, or arranging some presentations for my boss to see. And that's it.

Since I have so much spare time, there has been one thought which has occupied most of my days: There are a lot of young guys, some of them very cute, which I think it's surprising, taking into account I work at a financial corporation. If I think about the circle of around 20 guys I already know there, about 8 of them are very cute, and one of them is just gorgeus (tall, green eyes, amazing body, shoe size, probably over 12...and you know what that means). But what really interests me is: supposedly, 1 out of ten guys is gay, right? So in average, out of the whole bunch, there would have to be at least two gay guys. I suppose I can claim one of those spots, but then, who's the other one?
I studied each guy's behaviors, but my study wasn't conclusive. I shortlisted a couple of them, but there was no evidence to point any of them as guilty of homosexual charges...Gorgeous Guy is the stronger candidate, but it's probably because I want him to be gay...althougn he does have certain attitudes, but it's probably my imagination...Could it be that the 1:10 proportion isn't accurate? How could I possibly fidn it out?

I just hope I start getting more work to do, or in five months, when my internship is over, I'll be an expert in homosexual behavior, but I won't have learnt a thing about credit cards or interest rates.

Blackout

2008-01-27T17:44:00.000-05:00

It was friday night, and some friends from high school and I decided to go out and have some drinks. We ended up in one of the best places for having cocktails in Bogota, called Marmara. At first It was just three of us, and Friend #3 would join us later. So ordered our first round of cocktails, and then some apetizers. By the time we finished that round, we were already kinda dizzy, and just talking bullshit. We started talking about girlfriends, and relationships, and...I thought it was the perfect time to come out to them:

Me (imagine a drunk voice): uhmmm guys, I want to tell you something, because you're my best frriends, and I carrre about you...I'm gay.
Friend #1: Oh..OK.
Friend #2: Oh, I see. Do you guys want another round?
Me: So you guys are totally OK with that?
Friend #1: I don't really give a shit.
Friend #2: Yeah, me neither. You can do whatever you want with your own ass...haha

I was kind of dissapointed they didn't ake a big deal out of it. I know they wouldn't say something like "It's OK, and you know you can count on us", 'cause it's just not our style to be outspokenly supportive between us...but at least I expected some questions.

Anyway, we kept drinking, got another round of cocktails (I ordered one called Windex, and if you think the name has some resemblance to a brand of sanitizer, it's not a coincidence...its alcohol content must be on the limit of alcohol tolerance for humans). I remember I had drunk over half of the cocktail, and then...a blackout.

The next thing I remember is waking up in my bed at 11:30 am. Except for a headache, I felt fine. I stayed in bed for a minute just trying to remeber what had happened the previous night. So I called my friends to see if they could give me some clues about the previous night:

Me: Dude, what happened last night? I don't remember anything.
Friend#1: Man...last night was a little wild.
Me: What the hell did I do?
Friend #1: Well, after Friend #3 got to the bar, we ordered some more drinks, and...
Me: wait, so Friend #3 finally got there? I don't remember!

So the conversation went on, and what I was able to reconstruct was this:

Friend #3 got to the bar around 11pm. We ordered another round of cocktail, and then we went to another bar and bought a bottle of aguardiente ((Colombia's most famous liquor...like Tequila is in Mexico). After we finished it, we left the bar and took a cab to Friend #3's place, and joined some of his friends, who were drinking aguardiente in a nearby park. My friends say at some point around 3am, I passed out in the grass, while they kept drinking. Then, I stood up quickly and started to...well, throw up (sorry about the detail). I actually have a very blurry memory of Friend #1 holding me as I got out of my system every single thing I had eaten that day.
My friends say we took a cab after that, and headed home (Friend #1 and #2 live like 5 min away from my apartment). They told me than when I got off the taxi, I couldn't stand on my feet, so they actually had to take me to my apartment. They don't really remember how the apartment door was opened, or how I got to my room.
I didn't start feeling the hangover until the afternoon, when A friend called me to go to a gay bar. Just the thought of the smell of alcohol made me sick (I still went to the bar, I just didn't drink anything). In the end, I had a good time that friday night, since it had been a long time since we got together and talk nonsense while slowly killing our brains with alcohol. Plus, they all know I'm gay now, which means I don't have to lie to them anymore. I guess it's good that all of my high school friends are straight...I don't think I would've liked to wake up the next morning with one of them on my side :)

Semester Internship

2008-01-25T01:55:00.000-05:00

So this semester I decided to do a full time work internship. I've always had some doubts about my career choice as an engineer, so I think this is the perfect opportunity to prove my abilities to properly function in a work environment. It'll also be kind of a break from college, since I'll be working from 8am to 5pm as most mortals, which kills me because I always made my schedule so I could sleep at least one or two extra hours, but I won't have to stay up late studying for an exam, so I'll have a lot of free time on weekends.
But there are a lot of thrilling things about doing an internship: I'll be making some money, hopefully I'll be in a very demanding environment, and I won't be just the assistant, bringing coffees and photocopies to everyone in the office, and I'll gain a lot of experience I know will be useful for the rest of my career (I just hope my innate clumsyness won't stop me from having a good time at work).

It'll also imply some small sacrifices, like wearing a suit. I like wearing funky clothes, but I'll be working at a financial company, where wearing a tie is mandatory for everyone. So I'll have to replace my American Apparel colorful hoodies and Converse shoes by dark, boring suits and dark, bring and uncomfortable dress shoes. At least I'm trying to get colorful ties to match the suits I bought...
Another sacrifice is that I won't be able to join the Work and Travel program in the U.S. for a third year, since my contract ends mid-july, just one month before starting classes again, less than what any employer requires to hire any foreign employer, I guess. Instead, I'll try to have some real vacations (I mean, traveling just for pleasure, not to work and then traveling on my days off, as I've done the last two summers), hopefully in the U.S., or maybe taking a small trip through Peru and Ecuador, financed with my earnings from the internship.
And the last thing that makes me kinda sad is that I'll be away from my college friends, and college in general. I like my college routine: Going to a class, then going for some coffee and laying down on the grass, just talking to my friends about where are we going to party that night, or how we did in an exam.
I start next week. I'm really nervious, just because I don't know what I'm going to be doing, or who I'm going to be working with...I hope I do OK.

My friend Will comes out of the closet !!!

2008-01-22T21:50:00.000-05:00

Oh, so You're Gay too?

Will and I have been friends for about two and a half years. I had taken some classes with him, but we didn't really hng out or anything. We didn't became friends until we traveled with our friends to the U.S. on summer 2006. He was my roomate when we were working at an amusement park, so I got to know him a lot better while we were there. At first I thought he was gay, based on his addiction to Madonna, and other attitudes he had. But after a while, I totally dismissed the idea: he talked about girls, and he kinda flirted with several of his female coworkers at the park( I actually wrote a post almost two years ago about how straight I thought he was, in spite of the evidence). I mean, we met several cute guys in the U.S., some of them gay, and being my roomate, I would've noticed if something was going on with them, right? Well, I guess I was wrong.
One day, he and and a friend of ours, Cat, suggested to go for some Ice Cream. While we were going there, they were giggling and laughing, and I had no idea what was going on (My friends and I had always thought they had something going on, but we never knew for sure). When we got to the restaurant, we ordered, and they were still laughing. I told them I was upset about not knowing what the hell they were laughing about, so Cat said: "OK, Will has something important to tell you". I looked at him, and he said "I'm gay".

I didn't know what to say. I mean, as a closeted gay, I had to give a straight enough answer, which was weird, since I always get a funny face when one of my friends talks about someone being, And this was by far a bigger deal. So I just looked at him, and improvised:

Me: OK...stop kidding about that or I'm gonna start believing you're actually gay.
Will: You don't believe me? I'm telling you the truth. I'm gay.
Me: Are you serious? (I had to make sure he wasn't kidding)
Will: Yeah, man. Are You upset?
Me: No, not at all. Why should I be?
Will: I don't know...some people freak out. Kat did...
Cat: hahaha yeah, it's true...sorry, Will
Will: You can tell me if you're freaking out, you know?
Me: I'm not freaking out. In fact, I like men too.

I didn't see that coming. I had worked very hard on keeping my straight image in front of my friends, but I just thought it'd be cool to tell him, since he totally understand what it means coming out to anyone...

Will (face of panic): What?????
Cat (Face of panic): What?????
Me: Uhmmm... yeah. What do you think I was doing those nights I didn't stay at the hostel in NYC? I was at a gay bar! (I didn't tell them any of the raunchy details, of course...)
Will: Really? I did the same thing!!

So we spent the next hour eating ice cream and telling each other how we were simultaneously visiting gay bars at NYC, while trying to hide it from each other. It was really funny that we had traveled for two consecutive summers to the U.S., did gay stuff, and neither of us found out about each other's secret activities. I do have to say I never imagined we'd be having that conversation when Cat suggested to go for some ice cream.

Getting Over It

That was over two months ago. And we still can't get over us being gay. I don't know what we talked about before that night, but now, all we talk about is: "So, how many boyfriends have you had?", "Which gay bars have you been to?" "Who else knows?" etc. etc. I mean, I guess curiosity is normal in a case like this, but it's getting a little ridiculous. We are basically acting like two straight guys dealing with a friend being gay: Everytime one of us makes a comment about a guy being hot, the other one makes a "Dude, that's discusting" face, but then says "yeah, he is". I don't know, I guess it's because we met thinking each other was straight, so we are used to him acting that way. Good thing is, I have now someone I can share some things I had never talked about.

The Last Part of My U.S. trip (4th and last)

2008-01-18T19:06:00.000-05:00

Being Horny and Exhausted in NYC

When I left Hot Asian Guy's house at 6am, I had a very weird feeling. I felt excited, and even though I didn't sleep at all (yeah!!) I felt incredibly relaxed. When I got to the hostel, my friends were still sleeping. I was able to sleep for about 30 minutes before they woke me up. I had to take like 3 black coffees at breakfast, because now I really felt tired.

Hot Asian Guy told me he wanted to see me again. I didn't have a cell phone, so he gave me a number for me to call him. It was a very long day, we walked a lot, and visited a lot of places. By the end of the day, we decided to go to Rockefeller Center, and later maybe go to a bar or something. When I got there, I could barely move. I felt like a zombie. I told my friends to sit down on the floor while we waited for some other friends to arrive. But I was so tired, I felt asleep and none of my friends was able to wake me up for another hour. We didn't go out that night, and went straight to the hostel.

When I woke up the next day (thursday, only two more days left), my first thought was that I hadn't called Hot Asian Guy. Wihtout any of my friends watching, I left the hostel and went to a payphone. I was excited, and horny. I wanted to go out badly with him again. We decided to meet that night at his place, and then we would go out. That day we did a lot of shopping and sightseeing in Soho (I tried on a thousand coats, and couldn't find a single one that fitted me properly). But the only thing I had in my head, was meeting Hot Asian Guy Again, and going to party again. I felt addicted: to the music, to the people, to the whole idea of having no inhibitions and just having fun. And I wanted to do it one more time.

My friends and I were invited to have a beer in the roof with some people staying at the hostel. There were people from Ukraine, Germany, and New Orleans. It was fun chat, but I snooked out as soon as I could. I had a long night ahead of me.

I took a shower, and went to Hot Asian Guy's house. We went out to the same bar we had gone last night, but this time with a couple of his friends. We had some drinks first, and them I was ready to conquer the world. I even danced with a guy!!!! (Which I had never really done). Then drank more, then danced some more. A lot of making out in between. I didn't want the night to stop, and it kinda didn't: Hot Asian Guy and I left the bar, and went to his place. we were drunk and horny, and we both new it was probablly the last night be would meet. We had to make it worth it.

The next morning, I left his place at about 7am (I was going to leave at 6am, but he thought we'd say goodbye to each other one more time hahahaha I can't believe I just said that). This time, I didn't even tried to run so I could be in the Hostel before my friends noticed my absence. I was still a little drunk, and loving it. When I got to the Hostel, none of my friends was in the lobby, so I thought they were still sleeping. But when I got to my room, my friend Will, who had stayed in the hostel since the night before, was awake talking to a friend on the phone. I told him I had been all night at an old friend's house (I guess I wasn't really lying), and he seemed to buy it.

That day, I just didn't have it together. I went to the Guggenheim, and I just couldn't keep my eyes open. I even almost hit a woman because for a moment I lost my consciousness and kept walking towards her (sooo embarrassing). As the day went by, I gained a little bit more energy, which lasted long enough to go for some last minute shopping and taking a last look at Times Square at midnight. Six hours later, I was on my way back to Colombia.

That was almost six months ago, and I don't think I'm still over it. I have never felt so free, so entertained and so happy as I felt that week (both during the days I spent with my friends, and the nights with Hot Asian Guy. It was that experience, as short as it was, what really pushed me to start coming out in the last semester.

The rest of my U.S. trip (part 3)

2008-01-10T23:03:00.000-05:00

My secret entrance to the NYC gay scene

I traveled to NYC with eight friends (none of which know I'm into guys) Five of us were staying at the New York City Hostel, and the rest were staying with relatives or friends they had in town. I have to say that when we reserved our beds online, we expected a very grim place, full of rats, bugs and maybe being run by a family of serial killers. It actually turned out to be pretty good...It had a funk artsy vibe I liked a lot.

The whole week I tried to satisfy both my foreign tourist side and my gay tourist side. And of course, doing it without my friends knowing. So I would spend each day going with them going to all of the traditional landmarks (Times Square, Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building, etc), and then making up some lame excuse to go all the gay places I could find without my friends being suspicious ("You guys walk too slow for me!", or "I forgot my sunglasses at the Hostel!", etc). I also managed to go away partying the first two nights: I waited until they went to their room (we were in separate floors), then quickly took a shower, put on some of my new clothes, and hit the streets. The third night I wanted to go out was a little harder, because Will, one of our friends, decided to check in the hostel for the remaining days of our trip (he didn't like sleeping in the floor of a friend's house in Brooklin), and got a bed in my room...I still ended up leaving the hostel without him noticing it. I used my trips to Chelsea to ask people in stores for recommendations on restaurants and nightclubs (one of the sales clerks at American Apparel was really helpful). That way, I found out about the Food Bar, where I went to calm my hunger and planning my nights.

The first night I went to a nightclub, I felt like a pig in a hunting trip: I had no idea what I was doing. Everything was just shocking for me: groups of guys making out and fondling each other, most of them with very little clothes on (which I found really hot, but still very shocking), dark rooms, it was crazy. The first hour I just walked around, looking at everything that was going on as if I were in a museum: I was really interested, but still looking at it from a distance. I didn't really wanted to dance, since I've always thought dancing by yourself in a nightclub is just plain desperate...so I just hung around the place. Most of the guys were really hot...I felt like a kid in a candy shop, just willing to grab everything I could. Of course, I felt too shy to do that. At some point, I spotted this really hot asian guy standing by the bar. He was probably in his 30's (yes, I have a thing for guys older than me), and you could see he had a really nice body. I was staring at his physique, when he realized I was looking at him. I inmediately turned my head away, making my "I'm so hot and cool no one deserves me" face, so he wouldn't know I was checking him out (I don't really know why, since he was hot and alone, and I was alone as well). When I looked back at him, he was gone. I walked around the place some more, when I saw him again, looking at me. I realized this was the perfect opportunity to start developing my flirting skills with a guy, which I considered non existent. I mean, the worst thing that could happen was that he rejected me and went away, and if he didn't, I could say I managed to have a nice pointless talk with a stranger. So I walked towards him, and somwhow, I managed to nerviously say "Hey".

Of course, at that moment I couldn't have predicted that next day I would be leaving his house at 6am in the morning, running as fast as I could so I could be at the hostel before my friends woke up and realized I hadn't spent the night there.

(To Be continued...)

The rest of my U.S. trip (2)

2008-01-10T00:34:00.000-05:00

Being Gay and Happy in Chicago

So after having to pay like $500 on towing and tickets (oh yeah, I got another ticket like two weeks before the accident), I felt like crap. I spent the next to days talking to my insurance company , since I didn't know if it was going to cover the other car's damages, talking to the repair shop, it was hell. So I thought I was having a bad week, but one day after I got out of work, I got to the lockerroom and realized my perfect, $160 sunglasses, which I bought with my first paycheck, were stolen. NOW I could officially say I was having a bad week. That was, until I found out Daft Punk was going to play in Lollapalooza. Since my sunglasses were stolen, I felt like I had no reason to live, but this just gave my life a new meaning. I inmediately made all the arrangements: bought the tickets, asked two days off, and I was ready to go. At first I wanted to stay in a hostel, but I talked to my relatives living in Chicago, and I was kind of forced to stay with them. Which was actually the best thing I could've done. Not only I had a nice, bug free place to sleep, but I also had the luxury of eating 3 times a day, non of which including sandwiches or $1 burgers! (I spent the entire summer without having breakfast because I always woke up late). So now that I had food and bed covered, I could focus on having fun. I spent the first two days on a shopping spree, going to museums, and spending time with my cousins. I spent the afternoon of the second day in Lakeview (by myself of course) , had an amazing dinner at the Chicago Dinner, and just enjoying the cultural diversity of my favorite city.

Next Day was Lollapalooza Day. I woke up really early, put all my new clothes in one giant bag, so I could easily carry it on the bus back home. I had to be at work the next day at noon, so I had to catch the 11pm greyhound bus. My cousins were going to pick me up after the concert and take me directly to the station. Lollapalooza was AMAZING. Honestly, I only bought the ticket to see Daft Punk, but I got to hear some great music (M.I.A., The Polyphoic Spree and G. Love and Special Sauce are a fundamental component in my iTunes library). Even though I was alone, I met some cool people, and had a lot of fun: I sang Linkin Park's In the End at a Motorola karaoke booth, joined a clue contest, flirted with some girls at the G. Love gig, then with a really hot guy at the M.I.A gig, but of course, I ddn't really cared about them. My only purpose was to see the greatest one of all: Daft Punk. I got to the stage like an hour before the show started, so I got a really nice view, (plus I got a really nice view of Perry Farrell kissing one of the guitarists in the mouth, and of course, Farrell's wife amazing ass).
The show was amazing. As a Facebook group says, I've seen the Daft Punk triangle, life will never be the same. It was great to be in this huge party, where everybody was dancing and singing. I didn't care that I had only eaten like two hotdogs and drank like 7 bottles of vitamin water in the entire day, I didn't care that I had to leave the town in two hours, I didn't care about any of the problems I had because of my bad driving. I has happy, because I had worked my ass off to be there, and I just wanted to sing One More Time like there was no tomorrow.

A happy ending, after all
As soon as the show ended, I had to take a 6 hour bus so I could be at work on time. It was saturday, and it was supposed to be really busy. When I got there, it was raining and attendace was low, so they were overstaffed (which totally sucked, since I could've stayed for the second day of Lollapalooza). Everybody was all cranky, but I was just glowing: I had seen my favorite group live, and I had only three more days of work before ending my contract and going to NYC. Plus, finally everything was coming to a happy ending: my insurance company was taking care of all the damages of the other car, mine was being towed to a junkyard, and my tickets were paid.
Saying goodbye to my friends was hard. Crazy Bulgarian Girl has some serious issues, but we ended up becoming really close friends. I guess it's because we understand each other's madness...whatever. I still talk to some of them, and hopefully I'll see them again sometime. But it was time to look at my bright future: Now all I had to do was taking my cheap Northwest plane to New York City, for the final six days of my U.S. trip.

(To be Continued)

The Rest of my US trip

2008-01-09T20:42:00.000-05:00

Well the last time I posted I was working in the US, trying to keep my sanity intact (not sure I succeeded). Here's the first of a series of posts telling what happened in the rest of my trip:

Gay guys are bad drivers, a study says

I started dating guys. Well, actually only one guy I met online. He was kinda cute, so we got together a couple of times to have coffee, and stuff. Then, he asked me out on a dinner date. It was my first date with a guy, you know? It was...OK. We talked a lot, then we went back to his place, and he really wanted us to do things (boy, he could take off his clothes really fast), But I just didn't. So I was driving back to my place, when I realized I was lost. As I was looking around trying to find out the name of the street I was in, I felt something hit REALLY hard the front of my car. Well, actually, it was me the one who hit a car that was parked in the street. It wasn't such a hard hit, but it was precise enough to get my front right wheel get stuck in the frame, so as it tried to spin, it made a horrible sound. Of course, I was still in shock, so I thought the sound was caused by something in the engine that was going to explode, which really freaked me out. Finally, some sort of enlightment hit me, and I turned off the gas. The sound stopped. The owners of the car weren't home, so I waited with one of their neighbors until they got home, so I could say "Surprise, I crashed your car while you were gone!!". Anyway, they were really nice (Of course, making my "vulnerable latino" face helped a lot), they called the police, who put me a $120 or something ticket (he got me in the back of the police car to fill out some paper work...too bad I was alone and didn't have a camera, that would've been a photo I would like to have), called a tow truck to take it home(which costed me $180). Repairing the car costed about $5000 (which is actually 10 times what the car costed in the first place), so that meant we didn't have a car for the remaining three weeks. Which of course, was hell, because then I had to go talking to my insurance and buy groceries in my bike. Not a cool thing to do in a 100 degree weather. Obviously, dealing with my legal / financial problems now was far more important that dating random guys I met online, so I had to say adios to the guy I was dating...whatever.

(To be continued)

The bulgarian girl

2007-06-14T12:34:00.000-05:00

I'm working at a relatively small restaurant. There really isn't a lot to do, because most things we serve are pre-made, so we just have to take them out of the freezer and heat them up. My boss there is a bulgarian girl. She's a really nice and smart person. However, I want to kill her. She's really anal about the most stupidest things in the building, so she's always bothering us about the way cups and silverware are put in the front counter, or if we put one extra slice of pepperoni on a pizza, but them when we have a lot of people waiting in line, we always run out of food because she's not fast enough when cooking. I always try to help her, but she has such a high concept of ehrself, that she thinks she's the only one that can make things go well. She's so narcissist, that nomatter what we're talking about, she starts talking about how she's so perfectionist, and how she has an "innate ability for doing things rapidly", or how her senses are always overstimulated, so she can hear or see when somebody is talking about her.
I also work with other guy from Ecuador I met last year. He's really fun, and he always makes us laugh with his jokes, which helps a lot to deal with the long hours at work. We are always laughing at the bulgarian girl in spanish, so she can't understand what we talk about her.
But tragedy occured when her best friend told a friend of mine she took an intensive class of spanish so she could understand what people from Ecuador and Colombia talked about on her back. Of course, she didn't tell anyone but her bulgarian friends. After I heard that, I almost had a seizure when I started thinking about all the shit I've said in front of her. The next day after I heard it, I could barely look at her face. So I started acting like I never knew anything, and now I only make jokes about her to my close friends, and only when I know she's not around.

10 minutes of internet access

2007-06-12T13:11:00.000-05:00

Summer has officially started here. Rain has stopped, and now the temperature during the day is unbearable. But most important, there has been some serious partying going on. It basically consists on going to the local bar, getting a fake ID (I'm 19), dancing latin music (most of the people at the bars are working with me, and most of them are from either Colombia or Ecuador), then leaving at 3am and then hanging out outside our rooms until 5 or 6am. Right now I'm not drinking, so I haven't really been doing anything crazy....but those nights out are great because you get to talk to everyone in the park, and laugh at the drunk people doing crazy stuff.

Although it's been fun, I still don't feel entirely adapted to the fact that I'm going to be here for another two months. There are so many cities I want to visit, so many things I want to do, that sometimes the idea of being in this small town is just too lame. Some of my bosses are really annoying about the most stupid things, so everytime they tell me to do something entirely unnecesary just because they feel like it, I just want to quit that stupid job and traveling to NY, even if I have to ask for money in the streets. My parents told me if I'm not happy with my job, then I should try to get something in NYC, since I already have the ticket from NY to Bogota, but I haven't bought one from Minneapolis to NYC (So basically, I could travel right now). But I've been looking for it, and found nothing. Anyway, I'm having fun with my friends, going out and enjoying the summer, so I guess I'll try to accept I'm not leaving Minnesota for the next seven weeks.

I really wished I could write about everything that happens here, the people I work with, the funny things that always happen to me at work because I'm really clumsy, and what's it like with living with so many people from different countries. But computer access is really difficult here, so I can barely check my mail and writing posts in the 15 minutes we're allowed to use the computer at the dorms (God, I feel like I'm in jail). I also haven't been able to catch up with all the blogs I used to read, so I'm feeling kind of weird since I've lost some contact with the gay people i've met on the internet through their blogs. I'd really like to meet gay people here, but since I'm here with some friends from college, I would feel a little shy about hanging out with the one or two pople I know for sure are gay at my workplace (which by the way, I really hate, because they're really obnoxious).

Anyway, I hope this week I'll have access to a REAL computer (not the one I usually have to use, which is probably older than I am), so I will be able to make a more detailed account of what has happened to me so far here in the US.

In America

2007-06-01T00:52:00.000-05:00

I arrived on Monday Morning. Flights were horrible...I didn't sleep more than an hour, I got the aisle on both flights, so I had to spend flight attendants hitting me in the head for like seven hours I spent flying...Plus, my bag got lost at the airport in minneapolis, so spent like and hour waiting for it to appear, until it turned out to be mixed with bags of some flight from Chicago.
Anyway, I'm all settled up here at work. It's been hell, because they're short of staff, so we've had to work from open to close...which is good, since I'm making more money, but it's hell because I've had to spend 10 hours without being able to sit down. Plus, I've tried to cut my expenses, so I bought shoes for work at Walmart for $9.87. Big mistake. Now, I feel like my feet are going to fall down.
It's been weird, because even thought the Work and Travel program is supposed to be an opportunity to meet people from other countries, the administration decided to hire less people from Europe, so the majority of employees are colombian, and from my college. So instead of meeting new people, it's been more like hanging out in the halls of my college back in Bogota. The same people, same social groups, just different location.
But I've met some really nice people too. There's this polish guy who barely speaks english, so he carries around a pocket size polish-english dictionary, so he can look for the translation of what he's trying to say. It's really funny when he can't finish a sentence and he has to look for some word in the dictionary, while he courses in polish. I hope I'll never have to work with him, otherwise it won't be funny, just really upsetting.

Final thoughts before I leave to the US

2007-05-25T22:11:00.001-05:00

I'm taking a 10 min. break from studying for my last final, to write about some things going on:

Tomorrow I have my last final exam. My Phisics II final exam. It's an exam that I should've taken like two and a half years ago, when I was supposed to have taken this class. I took it two times, put after the first months or so, I got too scared about me being a total idiot for phisics, so I always saved it for next semester. But this time, I'm finally facing my fears. My posibilities are really good, since I only need to answer right 4 out of 25 questions to get a 3 over 5 grade on the class (which for you american guys would be loke getting a C, I think). I'm really tired right now, I've spent two weeks making all kinds of exams, papers and presentations, so right now I can barely concentrate on that damn exam. But I know I cant' be too confident, so right now, so I have no choice but studying for it (even though I could be partying with my friends from college who did took Phisics when they were supposed to, so finals are over for them). Which is basically the reason why I'm writing a post on a friday night. And after I publish it, I'll keep studying that damn Phisics book until Einstein himself would want me to teach him some things (So picture the Rocky scene where he starts getting ready for the fight, just instead of running and training, I'm doing lots of thermodinamics exercises).

Today I realized something funny. Since two months ago I finally got my driver's licence (which doesn't speak too well about the colombian transit authorities), I'll be able to drive the car my friends and I will buy after me arrive to Minnesota. I just want to say in advance, as Stephen recommended me, I'm sorry for terrorizing the streets, I'm sorry if you get stuck behind me because I can't get my car started after I stop on the red light, and I'm sorry if I get on your way because I can't stay on one single lane, etc. (well, I'm not THAT bad, but I'm just taking precautions). Another funny thing is that my friends and I had agreed months ago that we'd buy a car as soon as we got there, so if any of us got earlier than the rest, he would start finding one. What they dind't count on, was that that person was going to be me. So the last couple of times we've spoken, they've kindly tried to tell me that they want me to be as far as I can from a car until there's a responsible adult with me (I'm an adult, just not a responsible one). And of course I agree with them, since my knowledge about mechanics is VERY limited, and I don't want to waste any money on a car that won't last more than two weeks, as we all did last year.

Yesterday I finally had a hair cut, which I hadn't for more than a year. After I left the beauty salon, I felt kinda naked (which is natural, since I lost like 6 inches of curly hair that protected me from the cold Bogota weather). I wasn't too happy about my new almost-bald look, but I got very good reviews from my female audience, so I'm more confident now. Plus, It won't be really be a big deal since I'll be wearing the stupid baseball cap included with my uniform at work. The funny thing is that I still try to play with my hair (which I did a lot when I'm stressed), even though my hair now isn't longer that my fingernails.

I'm sad because I won't be able to say good bye to some of my friends and my brothers. I know it's really stupid, since I'm only going for two and a half months, but ever since one time when I was like 8 years old that I dreamt about a plane crash the same night an American Airlines plane actually crashed near a colombian city called Cali, I've been a little scared about planes. Not in the hyperventilating kind of way, but I do get a little nervious about the idea of flying 5 hours over the Atlantic Ocean...I just want to say if the plane crashes and we get stuck on an empty island, I hope the rest of the passengers will be hot models or, in the worst case, porn actors.

One thing that really makes me want to kick my self is that while I'm trying to smile at angry costumers, my parents will be on a month trip to Europe. Since probably we're not going to be in touch for a while, last night I told them to go out and have dinner. It was the longest hour I've ever had. Unlike most family dinners, we didn't yell at each other or anything, but instead, be didn't spoke more than 10 words in the entire evening. I wonder what is it about us that we can't have a normal relationship! I mean, they could be kidnapped and be sacrificed by some savage french tribe and I'd never see them again!!! (well, maybe not). Not that I want the Gilmore Girls - kind of relationship with them, but I just think it's amazing the only thing they have to say to me is "how much money do you plan to spend?".

Well, I guess that's it for now. I'll try to post about my american adventures, (hopefully some x rated ones, since most gay bloggers are used to much more exciting posts than the ones I write).
Oh and by the way, I'm still waiting for your suggestions of fun things to do in NY!

Some complaints

2007-05-23T20:52:00.001-05:00

The trip to the US is killing me. People from the travel agency are always asking me to call them every single minute to check on the airplane tickets or and the travel insurance, and then I have to spend an hour on hold just for them to tell me that there's a mistake on the fight dates, and that for some reason I have to make yet another payment to them, or that they'll call me back when they have information for me. But of course, they're completely uncapable of calling me back when they're supposed to, and therefore I had to purchase airplane tickets for 300 dolars more than I was supposed to, plus, I've had to make several 1 hour trips to their office to pick up some unnecesary document I'll never be asked for, when I'm supposed to be studying for my finals.

Anyway, most of the paperwork is done, so pretty much the only thing left is actually traveling. As part of the incompetence I mentioned before, I wasn't able to get the same tickets than the rest of my friends, so I'll be traveling alone the 5 hours from Bogota to NYC, and then the 2 hours to Minneapolis. I'm not the luckiest guy on Earth, so my guess is that even though I have two and a half hours to get through immigration and reach the Minneapolis connection in JFK , which is more that the time they recommend for and international connection, something will probably go wrong, and I won't be able to reack my connection, which means I'll be stuck in the airport until I catch the next flight.

One thing I hate about having to travel on sunday night is that I'll have no time to settle things down before I leave. My last final exam is on saturday night (at least it won't be like last year, when I actually had to leave my last final and then rushing to the airport), and as the rest of my classes, I won't get the grades until I'm thousands of miles away, so I won't be able to talk to teachers and beg for a better grade (not that I like doing that, only in special cases).

But the thing I hate the most, is that I'LL HAVE TO CUT MY HAIR!!! my curly, fun brown hair, which is by far longer than what my employer allows, and because of its volume, it's imposible to hide it under a baseball cap. Well, since I have to do it anyway, I think I 'll pull of a Britney and shave my head...

Yep, I'm going back to the US

2007-05-15T21:52:00.000-05:00

I'll be the king of New York (just for a few days, but I'll be the king)

This semester has been crazy. I've felt out of breath for most of it, but it's been fun. It's like I'm finally feeling like I belong somewhere, and for the first time I think I'm in the right place, about college, life...a lot of things.

And after a lot of thinking, I decided to go back to the US for the summer. In two weeks, I'll be working at the same place I did last time. Not that I felt in love with frying french fries, being yelled at by angry sun-burned costumers or washing dishes until midnight, I actually hated all that while I was there. But for some reason, right now I can only remember the good moments of that summer. Going out, hanging out with people from different parts of the world, being without my parents watching my every move, being on my own. And those memories are a lot stronger than the idea of serving fast food for 6.95 an hour, for 10 weeks.

I wanted to go somewhere else, not staying in the same small town where the best plan besides going to the only local pub was going to Walmart. I wanted to get something maybe in Boston, NYC of Philadelphia, so I could spend my time off work walking around, visiting tourist spots and taking lots of photographs, intead of just hanging out at the local Applebee's.
But as I said, things were to crazy this semester, and I really didn't have time to look for an employer who wanted to hire a colombian guy for two and a half months. Plus, all my friends are going back too, so I dedided to join them. And I guess if I get too bored, I can quit my job, go to the highway and travel as a hitchhiker for the rest of the summer.

Last year took some days off and traveled to Chicago, a city I love with all my heart, and I really want to go back to. But this time, I want to go NYC first. I want to conquer NYC. Unfortunately, I think I'll only have 4 or 5 days to spend there, so I want to make the most of it...I want to go to the obvious tour stops, but I also want to visit those places that most tourists never go to, but they're equally interesting. Maybe even going to Chelsea or West Village and imagining what it would be like to be gay in a more open society (man, I'm so closeted :-) ). Although last summer I went to Boystown in Chicago and felt alone and vulnerable like a new born puppy...but I had to go anyway.

The point is I want to the most things I can in 4 days. So if anyone is reading this, please give me some recommendations of what you consider the must-do things in NY in a quick trip. I'll really apreciate your comments.

My Right Eye

2007-02-05T22:12:00.000-05:00

Today was a terrible day. The alarm rang at 5:30am, and after a few minutes of laying in bed, I realized my right eye felt weird. I looked myself in the mirror, and my eye was as big as a baseball. Plus, it was so red I just thought it was going to pop out any minute. Anyway, I had an important presentation from 7 to 10 am, so I couldn't miss that class as much as I wanted to. So I took the sunglasses and went straight to class, hoping noone would notice me. Which is impossible, since I bought the biggest sunglasses I could find, following the eye doctor's orders.

At 7am, the temperature was about 3ºC ( 38ºF). I don't need to say how ridiculous I looked wearing sunglasses inside the classroom, while we were all freezing to death. The good thing is the sunglasses are really dark, so I could watch withouth being watched. There's this guy I don't even remember his name (So I'll call him HotShirtGuy), who was only wearing a fitted cotton shirt and low-rise jeans (I don't know how, since I was wearing two sweaters and I still couldn't feel my arms), so he looked really hot this morning. We went outisde the classrom and made a circle around our projects, and while everybody was discussing how appropiate the use of Alka-Seltzer in an artwork can be, I enjoyed looking at the guy's chest peeking through his shirt. I mean, my eye was hurting really bad, so at least I could use it to look at something good, right?

But then the class ended, and I hadn't anything good to look at, so the pain came back. I had to make an emergency visit to the eye-doctor, who game me a bottle of eye drops, and told me to visit him of friday...those eyedrops really helped, since the eye isn't so red anymore, althought it's still very swollen. He also told me to wear the sunglasses as much as I could, to avoid direct light into my eyes. So I'll have to wear my Matrix-like sunglasses again...I just hope I'll bump into HotShirtGuy again, and taking some advantage of my disease.

The last two weeks

2007-02-03T17:13:00.000-05:00

These two weeks have been amazing. In taking classes from both the Engineering and the Arts major, and I like all of them. I don't know why, but I feel a lot more motivated this semester than what I have ever felt the last three years I've been in college...I think I'm going to end up doing both majors, since I don't really feel a special preference for any of them...for now.

Last week I started thinking about the possibility of going back to work to the US in the summer. As I mentioned before, I'm dying to go to NY, and if I go back, there's a big chance I'll be promoted (even though I was famous for being clumsy at my workplace), so I wouldn't have to be so worried about the money I spend during vacations. The few days I spent in Chicago helped me a lot to see things celarly, to take a clear look at my goals, and I definitely think going to NY would be a great experience for me, even if I just can do it for 4 or 5 days. I still haven't talked about it with my parents, so I'm not making any plans yet.

I don't know what is it about NY that makes me so excited. It's just cities like Chicago or NY represent the freedom and the oportunities that I know I cant' have in Bogota...plus, there are lot more hot guys there :) (God, I'm so shallow).

The next two weeks will be very important for me, because I will finally decide if I'm going to spend the summer in the US. If I do, maybe I'll bump into some of you there!

2007-01-21T21:03:00.000-05:00

Last week I went to the movies with some friends. I arrived late, so I didn't get the chance to watch Dejavu (I wanted to watch Children of Men). The most remarkable moment in the movie happened when Denzel Washington's character tells Jim Caviezel he's gona need KY at jail, and then a friend's girlfriend asked us whispering: "KY for what?". We all laughed for so long that we completely lost track of what was going on in the movie...

Anyway, when we were leaving the theatre, I noticed someone was staring at me. I looked back at him, and I didn't recognized him at first, but after a couple of seconds I realized it was a guy from high school we used to call "Dolphin" (I really don't remember why). He told me he had been working at the multiplex for a few months. I had been told by a friend that Dolphin had dropped out of the University after the first year (he was an Engineering student, like me), but I didn't really know what had happened to him, even though he only lives a block away from my house.
When we were in high school we used to hung out sometimes, but he was more into heavy drinking than I was, so we weren't really friends. And according to what I heard, he kept that partying attitude in College, so things didn't really worked out for him.

We didn't really get to talk too much, because there were a lot of people waiting in line, and he had to keep an eye on them. On my way home, I realized I was a little shocked, because he's a living example of what my parents gently mention as "failure", everytime I want to talk about my career doubts. I mean, I don't think working at a movie theatre is a bad thing at all, but it's just not what any of us imagined doing when graduating from High School.

I'm really scared about taking bad decitions. I mean, Your hole life is based on the decisions you make after you graduate from high school. Right now I'm just thinking about how unhappy I feel by studying engineering, but will I feel fulfilled as a film director knowing I'll have to beg people to finance my movie? If the arts major doesn't work, then what? I guess what scares me the most of endind up working at a movie theatre isn't the job itself, but knowing that it'd be too far from the dreams I had when I finished High School.

But no more thinking. University starts again tomorrow, so it's time of acting. No more doubts, no more preocupations. I'm finally going to be responsable for my actions!!! ...or at least i'll try.

Catching Up

2007-01-14T22:09:00.000-05:00

Well, I survived my first week in driving lessons. There weren't too much surprises, everything came out as I expected: I suck. The car always turns off when I hit the brake, I never look at the mirrors, etc. Basically, my teacher has been the one who has driven the car the whole time, and I have barely held the steering wheel. But I guess it's just a matter of practice...I just hope I can improve my driving skills before I take the final exam, otherwise I'll have to repeate the entire thing again. And there's no way I can practice on my spare time, because I don't know anyone stupid enough to let his/her car to be used for that purpose (I have asked).

I have only a week left before university starts again, and things have been a little slower that I expected. Most of my friends are out of town, so there hasn't been too much things to do around here. The only fun thing I did this weekend was going bowling.

My friends and I were supposed to meet at 4pm in from of the bowling alley. Only two of us made it on time, Crazy Cat and I. We called the rest of the group, and they would take about 40min. to get there. So I used the time to catch up with Crazy Cat.

She was the first person I met at the University. We used to have the exact same schedule, so we always hung out together. We dated a few times, but she just had too much going on inside her head...so we just kept being friends. She always get the best grades almost effortlessly. I guess I have always felt a little jelous of her, because she represents everything I wanted to be when I first got into college: she's focused, and (at least in the academic things) she knows what she wants.

During the last year we didn't spoke as much as we used to, not only because our schedules stopped being the same, but we also met new friends, so we didn't really had time to keep in touch. She's one of the few of my friends in college who knows I want to switch from an engineering to an Arts major. So while we waited for the rest of the people, I told Crazy Cat what has happened with that.

CC: what happened with the arts thing, are you going to stay at Engineeing?
Me: Well, I haven't really made up my mind...I'm taking a few Art classes next semester, and I hope I'll finally make a decision.
CC: Great, I'm glad...that's what you wanted, right?
Me: well yes, but I just think I have lost a lot of time...even if I end up graduating as an engineer, I feel like I'm not prepared enough...for example, I look at you, and I know I'm not on the same level you are...
CC: That's not true! I wanted to take an internship this semester, but I didn't do it because I'm terrified about the idea. I feel like I don't know anything!
Me: Really?
CC: Yeah, I mean we've been in the University for three years, but somehow I don't feel like I'm prepared to have a job, or anything like that. You shouldn't worry about that, you should just think if this is what you really like, of if your real passion is in Arts.

Talking to Crazy Cat was helpful...she has done great at the University, but she doesn't have a clue of what she's going to do after she graduates. And I guess that happens to a lot of people, right? I relized I'm not the only one who feel insecure about the post-university future. Anyway, I have a whole semester to figure things out, so I'll leave this week to relax a little (hopefully).

A very scared post

2007-01-10T14:18:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow I'll start taking driving lessons.

I have never driven a car before.

Sometimes I have problems when trying to differenciate left from right.

I paralize when I get nervious.

I just want to say, in case anything bad happens, that it's been great having this blog, because it has allowed me to express ideas and thoughts I had repressed for years. And I want to thank all the gay bloggers out there, because they have been part of that.

I know it sounds ridiculous to write a goodbye letter just because I'm finally taking those damn lessons, but right now I'm so scared about it that when I close my eyes are thousands of different ways in which I can crash the car I drive going at less than 10 miles/h (I guess hours of playing Burnout Revenge hasn't been really helpful).

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that if you don't see any new posts for a month, or if you hear in the news about a multiple car crash in Colombia, well, you can figure out what happened to me.

iTunes is currently playing: The Figurehead - The Cure

Back from Pasto

2007-01-07T22:11:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm back from Pasto. This was a very interesting trip, for a number of reasons I'll try to explain in this post.

After almost losing my plane because the stupid girl at the airline counter sent me to the wrong boarding room, I made it to Pasto. Pasto is a relatively small city in the southwest of Colombia, and holds the Carnival of Blacks and Whites, which was the main course of my trip.

New Year's eve
Unlike past years, I had a lot of fun this time at New Year's Eve. Since I had no relatives in the city, Maye's family adopted me. I was a huge party with all of her uncles and cousins, all of them really nice and friendly, so I really felt welcome on that holiday.
At 12am, my parents called me. We greeted aech other, and wished each other the best for 2007. It was nice, since this time there wasn't any arguments or drama involved in the celebration, we were just happy about being able to talk, even if it was though we could only make it through our cell phones (Which as I said on the last post, was the idea of my trip).
The party lasted until 7 am, so it was a phisically callenging party for me, since Maye's cousins always wanted to dance with me (even though I'm the worst dancer in the Solar System), and didn't let me sit to recover my breath.

The Carnival

During the carnival, which started on Jan. 2, our day was divided in two parts: In the morning, we went to the parades, which literally paralized the entire city. The parades were amazing, because they included the presentation of floats, dances and musical groups, all of them centered around the diverse colombian traditions. The energy of the people is amazing, becuase everyone just gets together to celebrate, singing and playing on the streets. When the parades finished, Maye, her sister and I played with the locals as well with other turists to paint each others' faces with black paint and throwing white powder at other people, which is originally done to celebrate our heritage from the white spanish conquerors and the black slaves they brought from Africa, but in the end is just a great excuse to attack strangers in a non-dangerous way.

A float representing gods from old colombian tribes.

The white powder made the streets of Pasto look like Bagdad

In the afternoon, we went to the tents installed all over the city, which were huge spaces that held salsa music bands, and where most people went to dance and drink beer and aguardiente (Our local liquor). We stayed at the tents until they closed at 11pm, and then headed to a bar, or just sat down on a sidewalk and got drunk. I had the chance to meet tons of new people in our nights out, because Maye and her sister kept meeting old friends from high school, which be hung out with. Since I'm being medicated I couln't drink too much alcohol, so I wasn't as drunk as most of them, but I still had a lot of fun. We went home every day around 4am, tried to get some sleep and then woke up at 8am to start over again.
The parties we went to were the scenario for a lot of situations. I hooked up with a couple of random girls an the tents (no guys this time), but nothing serious happened with them. Everyone in the city were in a very relaxed mood, but it took me two or three days of Carnival to get into that mood. After that, I didn't mind splitting from my group of friends and walking around the city with complete strangers, or even being taught by a psychology student about the 7 erogenous zones (And when I say taught, I mean she made me touch each one of them them until I got the right spot and applied the right pressure), right in the middle of the street.
There's something about the unlimited amounts of booze and the white powder floating in the air that made everyone horny... I swear I had never experienced the kind of harassment I lived there. Call me conservative, but there's just something awkward about my best friend's drunk sister fondling me in front of her family and friends.
I had a lot of fun. Those nights reminded me a lot of my senior year at high school, when I used to spend friday and saturday nights completely wasted, talking about the most random things, and drinking cheap alcohol. I hadn't experiences that kind of freedom since I got into college. The good thing is that all the fun distracted me a little bit from all the situations I know are going to make 2007 such a tough year to live.

iTunes is currently playing: Delicate - Damien Rice

the PRSF period

2006-12-28T22:23:00.000-05:00

So I decided to spend New Year's eve in Pasto. I'll travel this weekend, and I'll stay with Maye and her Family. I thought spending this particular holiday without them would be good for my parents an I, because at least there would be no "golden" comments during the dinner like "I hope next year you think about your attitude" or "I just want you to know that I spent this year too stressed out about you". I mean, comments that if anyone else heard, they would inmediately think I spent months in jail, or drug rehab.
And since It'll be the first time I'll spend New Year's Eve without my parents, I asked them to go out and have dinner tonight. Although they didn't seem too convinced, they finally agreed and went to a restaurant a few blocks away. Well, tonight I discovered that If anyone in this house is an adict, it's them. They're addicted to drama!!! they just can't live without it. I mean, I sat down at the table thinking "well, maybe this dinner won't turn out as the many holiday dinners do". Well, I was wrong. We hadn't ordered our drinks yet, when the drama began. These were some topics my father adressed during a very long dinner (my mother just sat next to him and said "yes, I agree", as she always does):

How I never help them do anything.
How I never talk to them.
How other people's sons DO help their parents doing things, and talk to them, and how they already know what they want to do with their lifes.
How I'm wasting time travelling and going to parties while I should be thinking about my career.
How they had to face so much things by the time they had my age, and yet I think I've suffered.
ETC.

And since I've heard the same speach for years, I developed a skill for paying no attention to what they say, and still shaking my head and nodding my head when I'm supposed to. So while they said those wonderful comments, I just thought "God, If I change my major, Ill take at least another two years to leave my parent's house. I think I'll have gone crazy by then". I think by this time I resigned to the hopes of having a normal relationship with them...Whatever. By saturday I'll be gone, so they'll have to find someone to complain at. And to celebrate that, when I finish posting this, I'll officially start my PRSF period (Parents-Related Stress-Free period), which ends the 7th of january, when I come back to Bogota. I'll use that time to have fun, to stop worrying, and finally have some peace (God knows next year I'll be missing that peace a lot).

And since I'll be gone for some time, I just want to wish to the two or three people who visit my blog (and everyone in general) a happy new year, and I hope it'll bring a lot of happiness and joy to your lifes. That's it for 2006, see you again on 2007.

the PRSF period has officially started.

Christmas

2006-12-26T22:34:00.000-05:00

I don't know how does it work in other countries, but in Colombia, praying the Christmas Novena is a huge tradition here. For those of you who don't know what it is, is just a prayer made for nine consecutive days until christmas eve. It's usually a very festive celebration, where friends and family gather and eat pastries, talking, planning holiday trips (and also, there's some praying in between). This year's novenas were really fun. Each day's novena was hosted by a friend, so I had the chance to catch up with people I hadn't seen since before finals,gossiping, meeting new people...It was good because I think at the end of the semester we were all so stressed out about finals we just wanted to kill each other. But there we were, friends again.

It's a shame novenas at home have become so boring. When I was a child, I was usually the happiest one at home...we sang christmas carols, and there was always someone over, it was fun. These are some of the classis moments I remember the most:
- The massive amounts of food we ate
- My uncle, who gots drunk before we even start praying
- How everyone tried to keep up my dad's rithm when we sing carols (when dad was a child, he studied in a Catholic Boarding school, so I guess he learnt to sing at the children's chorus, and that's why he can reach those high notes that nobody else can)
- The way my mother always forgot the lyrics of the carols, so she always made up her own, and we all ended up laughing (with her, not at her)

But now it's just my parents, grandma and I, praying like we were at some relative's funeral. I don't know when was it that the relationship with my parents became so weird...I wish things were different, but at the same time it's like none of us really wants to do anything about it.
Christmas eve was better, because my brother came over. He's the fun one in the family, he's always making awkward jokes, and things change a lot when he comes. Plus, his wife is really funny too, my brother an her are always teasing each other, so when me all get together we have a really good time.

I'll probably spend New Year's eve with some friends...We've been trying to travel, taking into account that several of the main colombian cities are hosting carnivals these days...If everything turns out as planned, It'll be the first time I'll spend New Year's eve without my parents...maybe being appart will make the time we spend together more valuable. Or at least we won't make ach others holidays' miserable.

The 20th birthday wish list

2006-12-22T00:11:00.000-05:00

So after a lot of thinking, I realized these are the things I'd like to do before my 20th birthday. Some of them are really childlish (which is weird since the whole idea of the list is that it'll be a symbol of my adulthood), but I just thought I've been too stressed out about things, and realized maybe I haven't enjoyed some things in life. So here's the list, Hopefully I'll get some opinions about it:

Getting a driver's license (See prev. Post)
Organizing (getting rid of) the piles of exams, homeworks, notebooks, etc. that I've accumulated all around the house since I was in high school.
Going Backpacking. Since I was very young, my friends from high school and I have planned on going backpacking trough latinamerica, or Maybe the US. But we've never really done anything about it, just because we've been too lazy. Chances I'll do it next summer are really small, because I'll probably have to take summer classes if I want to graduate in 2008, so I'll extend the deadline for this point of the list until december of 2007.
Running the Half-Marathon of Bogota: when I was younger, I used to practice tennis and swimming. But as I grew older, I also became too lazy to wake up for sports practice, so I eventually dropped it. But because of my lack of physical activity and my terrible mood, every time I'm under a lot of stress (during finals, for example), the muscles in my back and neck collapse, and I start feeling like I slept over a pile of rocks. So I decided I'm going to start doing exercise again. I think joining a gym is the best option, since there are a lot of different exercises you can do, and people who can tell you what exercises are better for you. And the best way of showing my improved physical condition will be running the Half-Marathon, which takes place in July. I know if I had to run tomorrow, I'd pass out at some point of the first 5 miles. But hopefully that'll change in the next seven months.
Going to NYC: I'm in love with New York, but I've never been there. The hole idea of a city that has such a rich cultural diversity makes me very excited. I know it sounds very stereotypical, being the latin guy who thinks NYC represents the oportunity of fulfilling his dreams, etc. NYC means to me the ideal life i'd love to live: a city that doens't sleep, a vibrant place where you have a lot of options in food, entertainment, culture, a place that gathers a lot of influences from different parts of the world, and that idea just makes me crazy. It all depends of what happens at college next semester...(I also want to go backpacking, so there are a lot of things I want to do next summer, but won't happen if I have to stay if I have to take summer classes).

When I started writing this post, I thought there would be a lot of things on this list. But I realized that it's not so much about what I want to do before I'm 20, It's the person I want to be before I'm 20. I want to stop being so lazy, and start doing things on my own. I want to stop being afraid, and finally start living. I feel like there's an entire wolrd of experiences and emotions waiting for me to discover them, But I have chosen to keep my Life on Hold while I try to figure thing out. And I don't want that anymore (hahaha I'm finally becoming an adult!!!!)

Driving Lessons

2006-12-21T00:09:00.000-05:00

In less than 9 months I'll be 20 years Old. Not only I look a lot younger (thanks to my parents' genetics, I have the height and the face of a teenager) , but I feel a lot younger. It's like three years of college haven't had that much of an impact on me. But I've decided that I still have time to change that, before my birthday. You know how a lot of people make a list of things they would've liked to do before they reached certain age? Well, I'm writing mine with the things I'd like to accomplish before my 20th birthday. It's not ready yet (It'll be my next post), but one of the points of the list is taking driving lessons. For different reasons, I've always avoided them. Personally, I think I'll be the worst driver ever, for several reasons: First, the only driving experience I have so far comes from playing Mario Kart, where crushing other people's cars was an OK practice, and the breaks weren't really useful. And second, I'm the clumsiest guy ever. When I was in the US, I became famous between my co-workers because of the amusing stories of work accidents I had there.
But I put it in the list because I've always considered driving is a display of maturity. You see, driving in Bogota is a serious deal. You have to be aware of the crazy bus driver trying to pick up a passenger even if it means crashing your car, or watch for the numerous bumps on the streets so you don't lose a tire in the middle of the road, or trying not to run over the people crossing the street where they shouldn't, all at the same time. And for me, if you can succesfully handle all those obstacles, you're officialy a responsable grown up.
I've already made the appointment at the driving academy, and I'll start the lessons in january. Until then, I'll be preparing myself for it (well, if you can call preparing just having a lot of nightmares of car accidents involving me as the main character).

The First Time

2006-12-19T12:35:00.000-05:00

It was sunday afternoon, and I was bored to death. I had been without internet service since thursday, so I felt like I was completely disnonnected from the outside world (God, am I shallow...). So I started calling everyone in my cell phone contact list, and only Maye was the only one who hadn't travelled for the weekend or didn't have a huge hung over from saturday night (I had dinner with my family, so there was no partying por me on saturday). I picked her up, and decided we wanted to watch a movie at a mall at Zona Rosa, one of the biggest bar and shopping districts in Bogota, just a few blocks away from Maye's home. So on our way there, we started talking about what happened in 2006.

Before I continue, I just want to say that I have always felt really guilty with Maye, because we are really close friends, and she always tell me everything that happens in her life. But I'm more closed about my feelings, so she really doesn't know too much of what happens in my life, because I just don't like talking about my thing, even with close friends (clearly, being gay is one of those things)

But since I discovered "the blog circuit", I've realized it's ok to talk about things, it's ok to share your problems with other people. I mean, that's one of the reasons I started the blog in the first place, so I can realease all the pressure feeling can cause when they're trapped inside my head.

And as Maye told me how bad she felt about certain things that happened to her in recent months, I decided I'd tell her everything that night. When we arrived at the mall, we found out we'd have to wait an hour an a half to watch the only decent movie they were playing. So instead, we decided just to have some coffee and then go home. At the coffee place, I was no longer paying attention to her. The only thing I could think of was How was I going to tell her. This is a description of what was happened:

Maye: Oh, I did so bad this semester! It's just I had so much things going on in my life, I just didn't know how to handle them...(she kept talking)
My Head: Ok, so how do I tell her? I could start with the classic "I have something to tell you"... or should I just say it like it's no big deal, like "Yeah, too bad...by the way, I'm gay"...what do I do? Hey...pay attention to her! you're not the only one with problems, you know?
Me: Oh, really? well, I'm sure next year will be better...
Maye: I hope so, because...(she kept talking)
My head: C'mon, are you going to tell her, or not? I mean, it doens't HAVE to be today, you know? why don't you wait for a couple of days, and prepare your "speach", or whatever you have in mind?
Maye: ...and tell me, how was this semester for you?
Me: Well, you know, it was...ok. I mean, I have thought about a lot of things this semester...about my career, my life...I think travelling to the US helped me to see things from another point of view.
Maye: Like what things?
My head: yeah, let's wait. You'll have many oportunities to tell her...It doesn't have to be now. It's better that way. Yeah.
Me: Well, for example, I realized I'm gay.
My head: what??????
Maye: yeah, that happens...are you serious?
Me: uhmm well, yes.
Maye: Well, it's better you realized that now, instead of one day being married and miserable about it...
Me: yeah, I know...

Anyway, what surprised me the most was her "underreaction"...she was too cool about it...I think I expected a little bit more of surprise on her, but it's fine...I've outed to someone for the first time.

Flirting 101

2006-12-13T18:26:00.000-05:00

Trough college, I've met a lot of hot guys. The problem is that even if my gaydar, and in general, common sense told me they were possibly gay, I never made a move...which was probably the best, taking into account I plan to be in the closet for a while.
One of those guys is Luis. He's 21, tanned, an kind of athletic. We took Phisics together, and since we didn't do well on that area, we always tried to help each other understanding what the teacher said (and always failed), although we didn't really became friends or anything. My gaydar always told me he ws problably gay...not that he was too obvious or anything, but there were just a lot of small things here and there...anyway, I never really paid too much atention to it, and I just thought he was a nice guy and that was it.

But one day, I was checking a friend's myspace, and since I had nothing else to do, I started browsing through the gay profiles. I didn't want to meet anyone, I just wanted to see if my gaydar worked and one of the guys in the "College's hot list" was between one of the profiles. At first i didn't recognized anyone, but I was looking at a profile, and It turned out Luis was listed as one of the guy's friends. I checked Luis' profile, and that guy had written a message like "I remember the first time we met..." I just started laughing, because I realized several things:
1. My gaydar works
2. A guy I liked (not too much, but...) was finally "available". This was the first time that I could actually hit on a guy, safely (I wasn't going to get punched or anything). There was the possibility of getting something.

After that, I realized I'm the clumsiest guy ever.Instead of and bringing out the subject in a very casual way, I just sat next to him, withouth saying a word, like a nervious 13 year-old girl. I mean I've flirted with girls a lot, I still do it, and I have no problem at it...but the idea of flirting with a guy just sounded SO cheesy...(so cheesy, I actually had to try really hard not to laugh in the middle of the classroom, just because of the awkwardness of the situation).

One of the things that makes getting out of the closet so boring is that it'll be like high school again, but with guys...I mean, what do you do, you call the day after the date? Does one of us have to open the door? Who pays for dinner? I'm so clumsy that at this point I don't know if I'm staying in the closet because I'm afraid of people's reaction, or just to avoid a lot of embarrassment...

Waking Up

2006-12-12T23:18:00.000-05:00

So, the year is over... This semester was terrible. After I arrived form the U.S., I had to catch up with so many things I barely had a social life this semester. An my final grades were kinda lame...I had 6 final exams this semester, the most I have ever had (and they kept me busy the past two weeks, non-stop). By last week's Tuesday, I still had two finals left, but I was so exhausted that as soon as I opened a book, I inmediately felt asleep. I had my last final on saturday (at 7am), and right before the teacher started giving us the exams, I realized I had forgotten everything I had learnt in the past 5 months. I felt so relieved when it was over...after the exam, it was all fun that weekend. I went downtwn shopping at the flee markets (If you ever travel to Colombia, you have to visit them, we have some amazing handcrafts here), went to the movies and watched The Prestige (Hugh Jackman's chest should be illegal-great movie, by the way), got drunk with some friends from high school, so many things I hadn't done because of University stuff. I realized that I've a little bit more than a month before I get back to classes, and have some real fun. It's only fair, after all the hard work I did this semester.

My iPod is playing: and all-time favorite: One More Time, Daft Punk.

The Haunted Weekend

2006-10-29T21:23:00.000-05:00

It all started on friday afternoon. After our last class finished, I told some friends to go to the Juan Valdez Cafe in downtown. The cafe is located in La Candelaria, the historical neighborhood in Bogota, and is surrounded by universities, museums and libraries. It was 4pm, and the streets were really crowded with all the people leaving their colleges, most of them going in he opposite way. I was talking to one of my friends, when I looked at a small group of people walking towards us. When I looked at their faces, I inmediately recognized Eddie among them.

Eddie is 30 yrs old, and I met him on a chatroom about a year ago. I used to like chatrooms not because I wanted tohook up with guys, but because I liked talking to guys, finding out what turns them on, etc. And one day, I met him. He's really good looking, interesting and fun, but he's specially HORNY (The very first time we chatted he gave me a full display of his masturbatory skills through the webcam). We kept in touch through e-mails, and everytime we chatted through messenger, he put himself in front of the webcam. I think he's really hot, but for some reason I'd never wanted to meet him in person. Although I've seen his body and his face a lot of times, everytime we chat, or everytime I see his dick on the webcam I feel like I'm watching a stranger, and I like that kind of mistery. He has had several relationships since we met, but he kept asking me to get together, and I kept telling him I didn't want to ruin that feeling.

I spotted him first. A lot of thoughts went through my mind:

He's going to talk to me.
He's going to talk to me, in front of my friends.
My friends are going to notice what kind of friend he is.
The end of the world.
He's hotter than what the webcam makes him look like.

We were like a half a block away from each other when our eyes crossed. I think I looked like I was seeing a ghost, or something. He knows I haven't outed to anyone, and I know he probably wouldn't have done anything that could have exposed me in front of my friends. But then the adrenaline took control of my brain. Right when his group of friends was in front of mine, I almost pushed my friends off the sidewalk, and went across the street. Luckily for us, there weren't any cars on the street at that time, because I made them jump to the street so suddenly they wouldn't have had time to tell the color of the car running over them. They all looked at me with a strange look on their face, and I just told them I wanted to go first to a pizza place on that side of the street. I didn't look back to see Eddie's reaction, I just kept walking. I felt awful about it the rest of the day. I wanted to call Eddie and apologize as soon as I got home. But right when we were drinking our last drop of espresso, a friend called us and told us to go to bi place, and then out for a couple of beers, so I arrived home at 3am on saturday.

I was really busy on saturday, and I called him at 4pm, but he wasn't home. I didn't call him back, I mean...not that we're a couple, or anything. I sent him an e-mail telling him what happened. He'll understand. But what happened on friday, almost having my friends and I getting hit by a car just to run away from a guy I met on a gay chatroom, has been floating over my head...I'll have to get out of the closet soon, I don't think I can live scared for too much longer...

The weather and I

2006-10-25T23:21:00.000-05:00

You guys have no idea how terrible the weather in Bogota can be. I remember one time I was trying on this really thick jacket at Abercrombie and Fitch, and the entire staff asked me the same question: Do you need a jacket like that in Colombia? You see, Bogota is in the middle of the mountains. It doesn't snow here, but in exchange, is rains a lot. And by a lot, I mean sometimes it rains so much that when you are inside a car, you almost feel it's going to start floating any minute.

It was really cold on Monday, and I was only wearing a t-shirt and a sweater. While we were in Maths, there was one moment when my friends and I actually had to sit so close to each other it looked like a group hug. So on Tuesday, I put on the Abercrombie jacket. My fist class was at 7am, so it was still cold, because it was still early. By 9am, it was so sunny I just wanted to kill myself. I had to carry the jacket under my arm for the entire day, since it's too big to fit inside my locker, and too heavy to keep it inside my backpack.
And today it was really sunny, which was good, since I was only wearing a very light jacket. The problem was that I had to stay at the University more that I thought I would, so I left the campus at 8:30. It was so cold outside, that after 5 minutes I felt I had lost sensitivity on my hands.

The thing is, I'm starting to feel sick. My throat is killing me. So right now I'm just going to self-medicate me and then go to bed hoping the weather won't be so bad at me, and I won't have the flu during next week's exams.

Songs of the Week:
Music Sounds Better with You, Stardust
Hey Jude, The Beatles
Confesiones de Invierno (Winter Confessions), Sui Generis

Maye's birthday

2006-10-19T20:54:00.000-05:00

Maye and I have been really close since our last year at high school (what in the US is called senior year, I think). I first met her when I was hitting on her best friend, Francesca(who I met while I was hitting on one of her friends, and deserves an entire post of her own), and we eventually ended up being really good friends. She's the one I tell everything to: The good, the bad, the boring. We both travelled to the US last summer, but we never saw each other (She was working at Yellowstone, and I was a couple of states away). Since we arrived like two weeks after classes started, we have been really busy trying to catch up with the readings, and exams, and stuff. So we hadn't had time to speak since we arrived.

It all sounds worse with beer on your brain

But it was her birthday last weekend, so we went out with her sister and a couple of friends to celebrate. Epic amount of Erdinger beer were consumed at the pub. We were all talking, and making jokes. I spent most of the night feeling really uncomfortable , as her cousin took every chance he had to touch my legs under the table as we were all speaking to each other. Not that I dislike another man's atention, I just don't like such a public display of it, less when I've decided to stay in the closet for a few months. Plus, I don't like him at all, so it was easy for me acting uncomfortable. Eventually, he noticed my lack of interest, so he gave up and went back to his beer glass.

Maye and I finally got to talk as we had wanted to. I had no idea she got her self a boyfriend as soon as she arrived, and by the first month of the relationship, she had already moved in with him. And obviosly, she had sex wih him. For the first time. Ever.

Now, I felt really happy for her, since she did it with someone she loved, and everything. But you have no idea how jealous I got...I just wanted to travel to Yellowstone and see what the guy was like...I was really close to making an ex-boyfriend-kind of-scene. Not that I feel atracted to her, or anything. But I mean, it was like she had been my secret place, where I kept all my secrets. And suddenly, some loser had just moved in and left me homeless. I know it sounds ridiculous, but it's just what I felt at the time (of course, all the booze didn't make my mind much clearer). I guess I also feel bad about her not telling me about it until two months later. But as I said, we haven't had the time, and since I'm not a fan of long phone calls, it was hard for us to talk. That has to change, since I think She's the first person I'm going to tell I'm gay. Anytime soon.

My trip to the U.S.

2006-10-11T22:10:00.000-05:00

This summer I traveled to the US a bunch of friends from college. We worked for almost three months at an amusement park. The initial reason for us to work there was to improve our english, plus we'd get to meet people from "all over the world" that were also working at the park. But it ended up being so much more than that.

The Ultimate "american" experience: Going to a baseball game

I realized I didn't really know my friends. During the summer, I was able to know sides of each one of them that I did'n know. For example my roomate at the park. We weren't really close friends when we arrived (actually, I thought he was really boring). But when you're away from your country and your family, you start opening to other people as if you were best friends. His mother died about nine months ago. It was really hard for him, becuase he had to be the strong one in the family, because his father and sisters were completely devastated. That's why he decided to travel with us to the US, because he wanted to get away from everything, and having some time to organizing his life. I also found out he's a die hard fan of Madonna, (he spent more than 500 dollars going to Chicago for her concert). The Madonna subject allowed us to talk about gay people. He's not gay or anything, but he has several friends who are. He has gone to several gay bars in Bogota, and he told me he really doesn't like how promiscuous and shallow most gay people are. He also told me he has a friend, who he's almost sure he's gay, since the guy is the one who has taken him to the gay bars, and everything, but he's not out, and asked me what he should do about it. Now, I don't know if he was telling me this because he thinks i'm gay, or if it's just my imagination. I just told him (in a very straight and detached way) that if he was gay, he'd probably come out when felt ready to do it. Later I realized I was not only talking about his friend, but also about me.

I guess this summer helped me to see thing from a different view. It's really helpful when you get away from everything, so you can have a detailed perspective of what surrounds you in your everyday life. I also felt in love with the US (although all the references people made to cocaine as soon as I mentioned "Colombia" really pissed me off), specially with Chicago...I lived there one of the most special moments of my entire life.

The First Post - A little bit about me

2006-10-06T23:21:00.000-05:00

Right know, I should be catching up with all the things I have to do for the next week (and the week after that, etc). But right now I feel so tired and so stressed about everything that's going on in my life, that the only thing I want to do, is writing. I'm going to start talking about me.

I'm 19 years old, I'm from Colombia, I'm a closeted gay guy and I've been going to college for about three years. The thing is, since the very first day, I haven't felt absolutely certain about me studying to become an engineer. You see, there was a moment, on my last year of high school, when I could choose what to major in, and the two strongest choices were so different from each other, that there just wasn't an obvious choice. Those options were engineering and film making. In the end, I chose the first ones for two basic reasons: the first one, is that if it's already hard to succeed as a filmmaker in the US, it's almost impossible to do so in Colombia.

The second reason is actually really stupid, now that I think about it: you know that when you're growing up, every time you're in a family reunion (Xmas, New Year's eve, or every holiday you can think of) relatives always have a kind of pre-established dialogue: "Oh, I can't believe how tall are you know, you are almost taller than me", or "I bet must drive all the girls at school crazy with those eyes you have" , and of course, the usual question: "So, what do you want to be when you grow up?" Now, my family is an average colombian family: not too tall, catholic and very conservative. So if I had answered something like "actor" or "movie director" I would have caused some harsh reactions among my drunken relatives. So I got used to say "chief of a big company", just because it was something they could be proud of (and to be honest, something I could be proud of too, being powerful and bossy are things that I can definitely relate to). So when I got to choose a career, I stuck to my usual response, just because I felt that was what everybody, including myself, were expecting.

So I got in to college to study Industrial Engineering. Something relatively easy, as I heard to some people, so I should have had no problem on having good grades and everything. The problem is, those people never warned me (not that they had to, since it's a matter of common sense) I had to have at least a little bit of skills with numbers. And that's one thing I don't have ( 2+2=4 is an result that many times I take hours to understand). So basically, Ive' survived these three years hanging on to my analysis capability, more than to my hability of handling number operations. That's the reason why I started to think maybe, just maybe, I made a bad career choice.

Plus, the ghost of movies has always been floating over my head like a black cloud. The problem is I have never known how strong my passion for movies is. I know I'd watch Cinemax rather than studying for Statistics (which is what I should be doing right now), and I know that everytime I turn on my handicam I never want to stop recording, but are movies just a hobbie, or do I really want to put everything in risk for what might be my true calling? And even if I do want to do that for the rest of my life, Am I even talented?

Well, those are only some of the many important questions which I have been too afraid, too shy or even too lazy to answer (like the whole gay thing, which I'm sure will have many posts dedicated to it). Ok, that was a little bit about myself. Hope you enjoyed it.

Most listened songs this week:
Bad day, Daniel Powter
Mas que Nada, Sergio Mendes feat. Black Eyed Peas (I love Bossa Nova)
For the Widows in Paradise, For The Fatherless In Ypsilanti, Sufjan Stevens
Is It any wonder?, Keane
Viernes 3AM, Seru Giran